Uh, uh, uh, uh, Aaaah!

Thank God for the fucking Kills!!! I would not be surviving this day without them! I awoke today at 3:33 am and it's my 33rd birthday. If that wasn't a poetic omen of how the day would go, then I don't know what would be.

So far I've gotten the crappiest email ever from my twin sister (it simply read happy birthday- I mean not even a capital in sight, let alone a damn exclamation mark) who also informed me the other day, "I'm not buying you a present for your birthday." Not our birthday - my birthday. Did I mention the stingy bitch is loaded and could certainly afford a little something. I'm not expecting a Prada bag and Tiffany earrings like her husband got her last year for her (not our) birthday, but ....something, anything (an ecard?) would be nice. Instead of CM, we call her DM for Douche Maloosh. It's not nearly as mean, but, she's family.

Also, things at my company are falling apart sooner than I expected. I was hoping it would last until I had my new life order planned out a little better. Guess I'm not that lucky. And my only subordinate quit today because we didn't pay her for the 3 hours she attended the Christmas party. Yeah, she works two days a week. Do part time employees anywhere get vacation pay??

Anyway, My Happy Birthday anthem is courtesy of The Kills. I have No Wow! and Midnight Boom on a loop on my iPod and I'm not turning it off until I'm getting down with the young drunk lovers.... or at least until I have a drink in my hand!

Also, a little shout out to my friend Niki who informed me I'm not in my mid thirties until I'm 34. Thanks - I really, really needed that. Now I can save the major freak out for next year - snark!

Cherry Christmas!!

I've been pretty bummed about the lack of snow in my neck of the woods this Christmas. I've also noticed there haven't been many good Christmas shows on TV either. I mean, it's pretty sad when a network's 25 Days of Christmas promotion features the movies Cars and The Incredible's.

One thing I haven't missed out on though is an amazing array of truly crappy displays of outdoor Christmas decorating. People are so un-inventive they just slap a giant blow-up Grinch, Santa, family of snowmen in their yard along with a few grids of net lighting and call it a day.

In my neighborhood there's one residence we all refer to as "the porch with a house on it" it's that disproportionate. They have one of those blow ups that's about as long as their house.... and it plays music. Loudly. They're a good 5 houses away from me, yet I can hear it from my front porch. Ahh, the joys of a white trash Christmas. Do I dare mention that some of CM's close relatives reside in that house? Yep, that's a fact! Would I shit you on Christmas?

As silly as that all is, I wanted highlight another house in my area. I have to drive by this house to get to mine and look forward to their holiday display every year. Each year it gets bigger and better. I can only describe it as an extravaganza, but in that so bad it's good kind of way. They work on it really hard, toiling for weeks before they ever hit the lights. I've often thought it looks as though a tornado dropped the entire Christmas isle of Big Lots on their yard and this is what they ended up with. This year I noticed several teddy bears made the cut. I don't know what that has to do with Christmas, but kudos to them for flexing their artistic muscles a little. I'll let you judge for yourself, just give your mind some time to really take it all in.


Here's a day shot, so you can see all the detail...

Here's one by night, so you can experience it in all it's glory.....

How great is that?!? In closing I urge you all to have a Cherry Christmas. All it takes are a few friends down at your local bar on Christmas Eve and enough cherry bombs to kill a horse. (TIP: If you offer to buy the whole jar, the bartender will usually cut you a deal.) I'm not saying I've ever had a Cherry Christmas, it might just be something of an urban legend/tradition amongst some of my friends

UPDATE: On Christmas night I totally got drunk with my brother and sister watching the aforementioned Cars and drinking Yuengling! It was the funnest Christmas I've had in a while.

Makes me hungry ...for the past.

Growing up I loved the show Land of the Lost. We used to watch re-runs on Saturdays while our Cookie Mom (that was my gram) made us fried bologna sandwiches.

I don't know that I hold out such high hopes with Will Ferrell playing the lead. I would say Dad, but from what I've read it looks like they've re-worked the relationships between the three main characters a bit.

I don't think I'll be rushing out to see this movie in the theaters or anything, but the Sleestacks look pretty accurate which is cool. Still, I can't help but belt out, "Laaand of the Looooost, La haaand of the Loooooossst!" all opera style anyway.

Hopefully they learned a lesson from the Jar-Jar debacle and that annoying little fuck Cha-Ka won't be showing up.

Riley Martin Loves Me!

While I don't consider myself religious - at all - I do worship at two altars. One is my favorite local bar where, yes everyone does know my name. The other is at the feet of Howard Stern. My day doesn't start off right without Howierd and the gang getting me going.

Today for example I didn't listen as to not wake Husband (he gets the day off - the nerve) and I totally forgot to put on mascara. Now I know that seems like a pretty inconsequential thing, but I l-o-v-e getting ready in the morning and take great pride in my look. Sephora is one of my favorite places on earth, and really for me that was a huge thing, like forgetting to put on socks.

Hey, some people drink coffee in the morning. Me, I listen to Howard Stern.

My buddy Steve is as obsessed as I am, as a matter of fact I wasn't always a fan of Steve and his rocking beard, but we bonded over The Stern Show. Steve's birthday is on January 6th (just 7 days after mine - wink) and I bought him the greatest birthday present ever. A Biaviian symbol hand crafted just for him by Mr. Riley Martin himself. For those of you who don't know, Riley was abducted by aliens in November of 1953 at the age of 7 and again when he was 18. During the second abduction he was given all the information of life and thousands of symbols were downloaded into his brain. These symbols would serve as a ticket of sorts for those who wished to go with the mothership when it returned. Total horse-shit I know, but that's the beauty of it.

It's not easy to order a symbol as a present. Because each one is unique to it's owner Riley requires a certain amount of information on each recipient. I needed to furnish Riley with Steve's full name, a picture, and a hand writing sample. I would need to place my order soon so I started collecting the tools required to proceed.

I was able to find out Steve's middle name through some subtle yet crafty bar conversation. Then he sent me a hilariously horrible picture of himself from bed one night after we had been out. Awesome, I had a recent picture and my plan was falling into place. The hand writing sample was going to be tricky though. I contemplated stealing a debit card receipt, I mean that was the only time I really ever saw him write anything, but then his finances would be off. Not a very friendly thing to do. I finally procured my sample by asking him to sign the CD leaflet from his old band's cd.

That was the hardest one of the three items to get. You see, Steve suffers from a misplaced sense of self confidence (his words) and he loves me so much mostly because he says I call him out on all his crap. It was very hard to act humble and ask him to sign that cd, really - it killed me. Although I do have to admit he's a very talented guitar player who also writes great songs. Still, I'm not really in the market for his autograph. But, I sucked it up because this was going to be the best birthday gift ever! .....and I'm really into birthdays.

I scanned the signature in and sent everything off to Riley. I also included my phone number per the sites request because sometimes Riley likes to contact people who are buying his symbols. Unfortunately, I was in a meeting with my boss when I got Riley's call. At first listen I though someone was screwing with me while doing a dead on Riley Martin impression. Then I remembered the symbol.

Riley's message was great, and I'm pretty sure he gave me his home phone number to call him back. (I could hear a tv in the background, and lets face it, he's not exactly a corporation) Yea, I totally stored his number in my communicators data base and I saved the message playing it for anyone who will listen. It was perfect, really drawn out and very wordy, in other words typical Riley.

I wish I could say that Riley and I had a great phone conversation, but it was spotty at best. When I called he answered almost immediately. I said hello and introduced myself. He called me 'my dear' a lot and said he was calling to ask if Steve's last name was English or Irish (it's neither).

I couldn't remember what nationality Steve is except that it's not Italian as I had originally thought. I think he's eastern European, his people are definitely from somewhere that produces unusually hairy men.

Shit. I panicked then lied and told Riley Steve was English. (I hope this little fib doesn't render Steve's passage to the mothership invalid.) Then Riley told me I was a thoughtful girl to give Steve a symbol before I even order one for myself.

This was a golden opportunity for a great Riley conversation. He is constantly complaining about his pitiful wage earned from Sirius for his weekly radio program. I was just discussing my salary with my boss, plus symbols are a bit pricey, even for original artwork.

This all would have segued nicely into how the man was keeping me down, how we were alike in that way. We could have chatted for hours. Instead I muttered, "well, I'll get there eventually" to which Riley chucked.

What's with the loss of words? Was I starstruck? Maybe I was shocked by the blatant sales pitch. Eventually, Riley ended the call. Not before he wished me and mine the happiest of holidays and told me he loved me. That's right he said, "I love you" and then paused. Again I was speechless, and I'm never speechless. Was I supposed to say it back? I suddenly felt like I was in was fifteen again. What do you do when a boy says he loves you? Apparently, I Panic. I got off the phone - quickly. And that was that. I always thought I was more a fight than flight kind of girl, but apparently when under pressure I'm a freeze.

Heroes rant now with 30% more rage!

I'm going to rant right now because Jesus Christ does Heroes fucking suck this season. I don't think they can even redeem it they're so far in the hole, unless someone wakes up next week like this whole season has been a dream. Even still, if that happens I'll be giving up on principle. So far the only thing that has kept me watching at all this season is my sheer disbelief that the next episode aired could suck as much as the one I've just watched. They prove me wrong every week.

Alright, let's talk plot holes, shall we. Assume the only givens here are that the Heroes are all incredibly stupid. We'll pretend that's the trade off for their extra powers. Case in point, Mohinder, he only got really ridiculous once he shot up with power juice. (we'll forgive him that one since many a Sci-Fi narrative has been based on such an event) Even still, they showed him as MohinderFly in the future, so does he inject himself again? I don't care what the Heroes do as far as time travel is concerned, none of them seem to have the power to make a (full earth?) solar eclipse happen so he should have never had those powers/deformities in the future if he was just magically healed by the eclipse.

Now, how about Hiro. WTF??? How much of a slap in the face is it to every 30 something into comic books to have him running around with the psyche a 10 year old kid. Do you think that maybe, just maybe, Tim Kring shit on his major demographic with that one? Yeah, I guess that was in case all the articles being written about how stupid he thinks his fans are were too subtle. And what was with that corn thing? Does Hiro's other power include an internal divining rod for comic book stores? How did they even find that place? And, who's drawing the 9th Wonder comics now anyway if the artist is dead? Papa Petrelli? The only thing they did to preserve continuity at all in this episode was to have Hiro think in Japanese. It's something I guess. I'm not done though...

What about Elle. She's trying to mack on the guy who killed her father! I think Sylar is super fucking hot, but even I'm not that horny!!! Plus, I love how she is so willing to work for Papa Petrelli. Why isn't she as afraid of him as the rest of the old timers. I know she's young, but she is by no means new to this game, she was inside the inside when she was working for the company, against Papa Petrelli, and now she's working for him no questions asked. For what, to get a little ass? Plus, her and Claire were like BFF for two seconds, yet she was more than willing to go after her. If it weren't for Claire she would have died when she caused that plane to crash, doesn't that count for something? And, don't even let me get into Elle's back story with Sylar, because when they finally met earlier this season they were strangers. -Peach pie my ass.
And Sylar, he spun that whole yarn two weeks ago about being good now and how him and Elle were products of their environment. How it really isn't their fault they were bad, but it wasn't really them and they could change. How do they change you ask? By becoming Papa Petrelli's pawns and doing his evil bidding? They haven't even shown him suggesting thoughts to Sylar, so why is he following the man that abandoned him at birth so willingly.

And boy oh boy those other Petrelli brothers. How in the hell was Nathan going to fly The Haitian back if he dampens his powers? Even if we assume that The Haitian can turn his power off (which I've never seen) then how was he going to carry Peter and The Haitian. There would have been a three way in the sky! I also love how they just happened to drop out of thin air, unharmed, and land right in The Haitian's lap. I wasn't surprised when bossy ass Nathan got them lost, but where did Peter get his mad navigation skills? Did he learn that in nursing school? Mama and Papa Petrelli both seem to be bad asses, why are their sons so stupid.
Also, why does Ali Larter's latest character even care if Nathan gets elected to the White House? What does that get her? A better job? As manipulative as she is being, don't you think that she could actually maneuver something that might benefit her? And wouldn't God tell Nathan about what she's up to? As much as Nathan questioned his epiphany's from God, he sure hasn't questioned why they've stopped. I guess divine intervention is fleeting.

Now this Eclipse. What's so special about it besides the fact that it is happening simultaneously around the globe despite the fact that the sun can only shine on one side of the earth at a time? That, and that it's the second solar eclipse to happen in one year? I mean, even if we did buy into the "my powers came from the eclipse" story line for the younger generation, what about the parents? What about Adam Monroe? He's had powers for like hundreds of years, so what did that eclipse that happened a year ago (and all the subsequent ones) do to him/them? Surely the parents have run into this before, shouldn't they know how to handle this by now?
What's this catalyst crap all about? Claire is the stupidest of the Heroes. Before the episode even started we called her "I'm so happy to be in pain" tripe. So why is she the catalyst? Wouldn't her body force this artificially planted catalyst out the way it does a bullet in an effort to heal itself? Better yet, if she was able to figure out she's the catalyst, surely others have too. I bet you ten bucks that HRG says he's known she was the catalyst all along. My favorite part of last nights episode was when he put his glasses on and you knew he was going to kick some ass. It was just like when Stallone switches his cap to the back in 'Over the Top'.

Now for the where have they been section of my rage. What happened to all of those characters who were so important last season who have seemed to just have disappeared? Most notably, little Molly, who was so coveted last season. She was around for one episode this season, (in a flash to the future where she was still the same age) and she hasn't been heard from since. Mohinder surely isn't taking care of her and Parkman has been too busy in; the desert, airports, corn fields. Molly's only like eight years old, did CYS step in? Also, what about Claire's fly boy? He was the first person to ever understand her yet she hasn't mentioned him all season. There were two main characters dedicated to protecting Micah the first season, now he's just forgotten, along with his cousin, St. Joan. Plus, I read that Kring just took out Peter's Irish sweetie for no good reason, and that explanation is supposed to suffice. Are we supposed to just pretend the others got lost in the time jumping as well? They all bug the shit out of me, but still, where's the continuity? On a side note, how come besides The Haitian and the Nakamura's the only Heroes seem to be American?

I think the writers for Heroes need to rent the first two seasons and make a giant timeline as they watch it, not unlike Dr. Surresh's map. That way they can remember key points like what abilities Sylar has obtained (don't get me started on that one) and who's crossed paths with whom. Just a suggestion.
I can't help but notice that almost every Hero has issues with their parents. Issues that seem to be the driving factors for most of their actions. I bet Tim Kring had an unhappy childhood. Now we all have to suffer.

Bruce Campbell's still got it!

Loving all things Sci-Fi and Horror it should come as no surprise that I also love Bruce Campbell. Really, the three go hand in hand as far as I'm concerned. When I read that Bruce was doing a theater tour of the country with a Q&A session after the showing of his latest film, "My Name is Bruce", I just knew I'd be there. Unfortunately, none of these appearances were in my town. But, I'm always willing to travel and was able to catch a show in a city a couple hours away from here.

We headed out straight after work and loaded up on sugar, caffeine, and Indy rock (thanks to The Kills) the entire way. We arrived at our destination with time enough to catch a delicious dinner of Carnitas Quesadillas (ironically in a restaurant that originated in my neck of the woods) before getting in line for the show. I was dressed appropriately enough for the occasion in black on black with grey stars on my shirt. Some others however went all out in what I'm assuming were left over Halloween costumes. It's funny how someone can spend so much time getting all the details of his Ash costume right only to duct tape his chain saw to the wrong hand. The movie theater we went to had a bar in the lobby, something you rarely see where I live. I'm normally a fan of the 'couple of cocktails before the show' line of thinking, (especially if it's Shemps Olde Tyme Whiskey) but we had a three hour drive home when this was over so I was sticking to candy and soda. Still, I was particularly jealous of the guy in front of us in line. That well gin martini he was drinking out of a plastic cup looked delish! -that was sarcasm by the way, but I digress..

The movie itself was excellent. Everything you'd expect from a Campbell flick that is a parody of every other Campbell flick. Cheap jokes, fake blood, and lots of boob shots (kudos for casting a leading lady with real hooters by the way). I was hooked when ten minutes in our punk rock teenage Bruce fan says "Come on baby, give me some sugar", in an attempt to hook up in a graveyard. Nice! Seriously, though, that would have totally worked on me - natch.
The movie was great, the premise believable (sorry Bruce), and the time flew by. Unfortunately we were sandwiched between two couples who spent the entire movie laughing way too hard at every little quip and happening. It was annoying and distracting. The chick next to me never shut the fuck up but unfortunately wasn't out of line enough for me to correct her. The only time the cackling seemed remotely warranted was when Bruce asked his leading lady if she'd like to see his 'boom stick'. As we were all funneling out of the theater most annoying girl ever was bragging that they only had to walk eight blocks to get to their (free) parking spot. Remembering this we laughed harder and louder then they ever did during the show when the parking lot attendant told us our fee for parking in the lot for the last four hours was two bucks. Two dollars!! Shit, I'd pay two dollars not to huff eight blocks in the freezing cold. Idiots.

After the movie, Bruce came out, and he looked more handsome than ever. He was wearing glasses and I think that made him more dashing and very distinguished looking. There are certain people that I revere so much I can't even imagine having sex with them because they're so much larger than life in my mind. Bruce Campbell is one of those people. The Q&A went well because Bruce handled the crowd like a pro. He was witty, quick, and down to earth which kept things flowing nicely. He was sincere in his answers and at one point he even called Will Ferrell a "smelly son of a bitch" for taking his Old Spice commercial spots. He was gracious enough, signing a fans arm so he could get the signature permanently added amongst his zombie tattoos, and signed one other fan item, but in an effort towards equality he asked the personal requests be kept to a minimum. I thought that was a cool move, I mean really, what do I get out of him signing your t-shirt?

At one point a jerk from the back of the audience asked, "I have four dollars and a camera phone, want to go into the bathroom and make a movie?" Bruce's reply, "I've got a whole wallet right here, why don't I just shove it up your ass?" - Awesome smart assery! Another great one was when he was asked who he preferred Ohio State or U of M and he said, "What do you think dickwad?" Dickwad - that killed me!!

When you see this movie you'll see that Ted Raimi has his usual fifteen roles. He really doesn't have that many, but he's in there - a lot. Bruce said that was because he would take more script for less money, and that his 'acting' helped make Bruce look more natural. One of Ted's characters is Luigi, the town fix it man, but if you look, you'll see his cover-alls actually have Ted on the name tag. Speaking of Raimi's when he was asked what his favorite Raimi project was, Bruce said it was "bailing Sam out with those Spider Man films" and to rest assured they couldn't make Spider Man 4 without him. Also, any rumors about Bubba Hotep 2 are just that, the reason it didn't happen was because they couldn't agree on a script.
One of the first things Bruce said to us was a reference to Evil Dead 4. Later he asked us if we wanted to know about ED4 and then proceeded to show us just how classy he was. He asked us if we liked Indian Jones 4 and how we felt watching Harrison Ford hobble around in the jungle for whole picture. He then told us he didn't like watching dudes past their prime try and do more than they were capable of either. Also, that he was basically more realistic (and had more self respect) than to think ED4 could be pulled off. He also mentioned the remake and said that if he's going to be stuck playing the old man working in the bait shop he'd pass. Good for him, Bruce Campbell is bigger than crappy cameos - he's a leading man! He may star in more B movies than any other actor I can think of, but the guy doesn't fuck around. He knows what's up and that's why people love him so much I guess.

Go here to download the movie poster for "My Name is Bruce" (above), it prints nicely on 11x17 paper.

kickin' it up a nerdy notch

All the good movie rental places have closed in my area, so now we're left to get our videos from the crappy rental place I used to make fun of. It's that or On-demand which is a little pricey considering how many movies I'll take in now that my winter hibernation is underway. Plus I got tired of the looks I get from the family of dolts that work at the video place every time I ask if they carry a movie off the mainstream radar so I bit the bullet and signed up for Netflix.

Once I got my first confirmation I knew I was going to love this service. I was also reminded once again of what an amazing nerd I am, mostly because when I asked little sister if she wanted to watch any of the movies with me she responded, "No one wants to watch those movies but you." Now I know that's completely untrue, but I do have a feeling I hold the title for the nerdiest trio of movies to ever arrive from Netflix in one mailing. What are these embarrassing movies I was so excited to receive in my mailbox? Re-Animator, The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, and The Toxic Avenger. I know, right?

There's no doubt Re-Animator is one of the best zombie movies of all time, and The Toxic Avenger is just plain fun, but it's King of Kong I have been dying to see. I listen to Howard Stern religiously, usually catching each show twice with the replays, and they've been playing the crap out of a clip from King. The one where bitch boy Brian Kuh is telling everyone in the arcade about the impending kill screen (hoping the stress will break our hero, Steve Wiebe). Then last week's geek shirt of the week on Topless Robot was a shirt featuring Mr. Kuh and his famous line, "There's a Donkey Kong kill screen coming up if anyone is interested" I just knew the gods wanted me to see this movie.

(Spolier Alert: If you think the gods want you to see this movie watch it before you continue reading this because as you know I hold nothing back)

The gods were right because I loved it!! Who knew there was such a seedy underbelly to the world of professional gaming. I started watching thinking that Billy Mitchell was a little smug for being such a tremendous geek, but conceded that since he was the king of the geeks he was entitled. However my feelings for Mr. Mitchell turned to anger, and then disdain as I watched him continuously plot to cheat the deserving Steve Wiebe of a title that was rightfully his. Also, I would kill to be a grocery store manager in his area. If he came into my store and re-arranged my shelves so his competitors hot sauce was all behind his I'd ban his ass....and his feathered hair. Having his man-boy Brian Kuh do his bidding is pretty low too, don't waste your time trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, he never man's up, just go ahead and loath him from the beginning. It's probably more fun that way. Notice too how you never see Billy Mitchell playing a video game. I think it's fair to say he's probably all washed up. Funny how I can hate someone I never met so much. And, his wife should put those things away, they're not that great, unless sloppy is your thing. - MEOW!

I don't think the makers of this documentary film knew what a goldmine they had on their hands. It would have been impossible to predict how out of control things would get over a game of Donkey Kong. It's pretty apparent the film makers had picked a side in the battle for the crown, but I walked away feeling most sympathetic for Steve's wife and kids. There are a couple of times when his kids are screaming for their Dad to stop playing Donkey Kong and pay some attention to them for a change. You really saw the toll Steve's quest took on his family. Still it was probably worth the struggle the family went through because the end result was a husband/father who has a sense of pride through accomplishment and is brimming with self esteem. It was a wild ride full of deceit and shady deeds and I hung on every minute. Always a sucker for a happy ending though, I was happy to see our hero come out triumphant in the end. This is truly an awesome journey, go rent it and chase the winter blues away!

If you're interested, The AV Club has a good article with Billy and the director of the film here. Billy even refers to his wife as a trophy in it - priceless! Also, NEVER buy Rickey's hot sauce, try Red Hot instead, it's Wendo approved. Really, I put that shit on everything.