Asian Food Experiment:Take 1.......or Soylent Bean

A few months ago when I went to Philly with Professor Friend to see the Mates of State at the Trocadero we spent the next day roaming the city hangovers in tow. During our very long walk to Geno's Steaks (totally worth it) we detoured through china town and of course stopped in to a few Asian grocers. When you're shopping at the Asian market it's always fun to grab a few packets of something with mystery ingredients. Mystery ingredients to us anyway since neither of us actually speak Chinese. It's a fun game.

Throw in the fact that I have multiple food allergies and it makes this a much riskier venture you would originally think. Luckily, Asian marketing seems to be pretty straight forward. Those guys put pictures on everything! So, when flexing my culinary muscles I just look for the usual visual clues. There's not a doubt in my mind that if a package contained shrimp (or even shrimp flavoring) there would be a picture of those chipper little guys smiling up at me, waving his tentacles in glee as if to say, "I'm tasty!"

During the Philly trip I bought two different packages. We were going to drive back to Jersey, grab some beer, and do the experiment there using the professor as my own personal guinea pig. Unfortunately, the professor lost the cable for his camera and I wouldn't be able to access any pictures we took so we had to put our plans on hold until a later date. Technical difficulties thwart more plans of mine than I'd like to admit. Fast forward to Sunday night. Boyfriend and I got off work and went out for a drink (shocker, right?) We finally got home after a few stops and we were happily inebriated. We were also hungry, but hadn't gone grocery shopping in weeks so it was slim pickins. That's when boyfriend emerged from my office with a shit eating grin on his face and one of the packets of mystery snacks I had long forgotten.

Ta-da! Beef Pops! (I'm guessing) I never entertained the idea of these things actually counting as sustinance, they certainly didn't qualify as a meal. But, when you have a drunk and hungry boyfriend on your hands who's willing to eat anything the rules kinda go out the window. I know what you're thinking, "that's beef jerky, big deal". But I hate beef jerky (love Slim Jim's though), so the idea of meat lollipops are pretty gross to me. Besides, the big picture here is that these are Asian "beef" lollipops which means they could be made of practically anything; dog, cat, guinea pig... need I go on?

When we opened the packaging we were nearly bowled over by the smell. A mixture of beef and ass that one can only find in pre-packaged meats that need no refrigeration. It in no way made me want to try the treats inside. Nor did the greasy lubrication I assume they included to keep the meat 'moist', so it slides down the gullit more easily. Ideal, I'm sure, for the snacker on the run.

Boyfriend went first. He devoured half a meat pop in one bite. It tasted enough like beef jerky, but the texture begged to differ. It was chewy like it had been dehydrated and then rehydrated. Exactly what one looks for in a quality snack!

I went next and I believe the following picture sums up my reaction nicely......

Yeah. Besides my general hate for beef jerky something was not right there. Still, we polished off the whole package before we actually decided to do any further investigation (thanks alcohol). Even the Bean had some. Dogs.... she wasn't even drunk.

Here's where I feel I should mention that it wasn't until we were nearing the end of the packet that we noticed these weird swirly little objects peppered throughout the grease. Were they some sort of magical spices or were they tiny little rolled up worms? We weren't sure. Upon inspection we decided they probably weren't worms since they were visible through the clear packaging and these meat pops were heavily seasoned. Sometimes it's better for your own psyche to believe the less horrible of options, we were going to live blissfully in ignorance.

That lasted about three minutes.

Our bellies full, (and kinda rumbly) we decided to try and figure out what exactly we had just eaten. We were pretty sure it wasn't beef, and we hoped for Barski's sake it wasn't dog. I couldn't live with the idea of making my dog an involuntary cannibal. The only language on the packaging that wasn't a Chinese character accompanied what we assumed was the company mascot/logo in the corner of the packaging. Asia's answer to the Quaker Oats guy? Here's hoping!

There it is folks, Xiang Xiang, the only recognizable script on the packaging. We let our fingers do the walking with a quick internet search and found the company's website. It was in Chinese, but there was a translate to English option, perfect. There it was right on the home page, Xiang Xiang is China's number one maker of soy based foods. Whew... enter sigh of relief here. The texture wasn't cat after all, it was soy! Super.

Later I found this picture of Xiang Xiang soy skewers online except these ones look fucking delicious.

How I Roll....

Every once in a while something will happen that makes me fell like a rock star. This is one of them....
I know it's just a bottle of gin, but it literally has my name on it. How rad is that?  I do drink a lot, and always at the same bar, heck I finished that much of the bottle off myself Saturday night. I got drunk. I like to stick to gin, Kettle One vodka or Yuengling. Shots of Jagermeister are good, shots of Tullamore Dew are not, unless you like puking a little bit right there at the bar, not that it's ever happened to me. 

It's an experiment, experiment with me.....

So last night (in a drunken frenzy) I decided to embark on a little social experiment. I gave my digits if you will to not one, but two bartenders. The first one was cute, older than me (and that's old!) and definately interested. The second one was cute, younger than me (and I mean young) and probably not.

I only gave my number to the second bartender in the interest of seeing who would actually call back. The other drunks sitting at the bar were really interested in what I was doing and even scrounged their purses for paper and a pen for me. I always have paper (Hello Kitty notepad) and a pen in my purse, but alas I left my purple handbag in the car.

I left the first bartender my number in yellow highlighter that I wrote on a name tag (they do that there) and the second bartender not only got my number, but some chicks credit card receipt for I don't know what. I tried to talk them out of offering up the receipt, but what could I do they insisted.

I guess we'll see what happens.... You guys don't know it, but I'm pretty cute and I have an amazing rack so I have high hopes.

Also, break out the cornballer, giant juice boxes and boy fights tapes becuase it's time for a party! Go here to see that the Arrested Development movie is indeed on!!! I am really happy that Michael Cera finally got his head out of his ass and decided to pay homage to the core character (and the only one he's really played thus far) that gave him his start.

This one is bad-ass!

singing to the tune of Aqualung: The robot has a mustache!

That little ditty has been running on a loop in my head for weeks now. I bought this awesome t-shirt on Threadless.com a while ago and now I'm hooked to the sight. I bought two more tees on sale recently and they came just in time for my nephew's first birthday. I really wanted to wear something that was undoubledly me and that DM would find innappropriate. This shirt fit the bill perfectly.

Awesome, right!!! I know it's childish to rock the boat like that, but when it comes to family functions I have to entertain myself.

sidenote: I totally didn't get the Pac Man theme until I wore this shirt ...twice. When I bought it the thought process was more like; Astronaut-check, Astroghosts-check, bad-ass t-shirt that looks like it was made for me - sold!

Chuck's cherry pie adventure in 3D.... almost.

I'm totally psyched for the new shows on NBC tonight. Medium comes back after a long hiatus, Chuck is in 3D and even if Heroes is bad it'll be so bad it's good. I can only say that because major staff changes to the shows writing team have given me hope for the future.

I love to watch stuff in 3D. I went to see the last Harry Potter at an Imax theater and was super bummed when I recently saw My Bloody Valentine on a non 3D screen. I have been excited for Chuck in 3D for a while. All day long I've had Chuck in 3D and cherry pie on my  mind. I even wrote a couple emails about both. I don't know why, I guess I just had a craving. 

I didn't want to run around from store to store looking for glasses so I called Pepsi for some about a week ago. The girl  on the phone said it would only take a couple days so I waited. And waited. When they weren't in the mail today I was annoyed to say the least and knew I was going to spend the evening in hot pursuit of 3D glasses. 

In all I went to 3 grocery stores, 2 drug stores, 1 convenience store, and 2 big chain discount stores. None of them had the glasses. The last grocery store we went to said he gave away his last four about an hour before. We drove by that place and decided to hit it on our way back. Rookie mistake. I must be a rotten person because none of these places had the cherry pie I was craving either. 

Finally, our last stop (and last option before we were home again) had the pies. That's where I got to witness the most interesting thing to cross my path all day. The two pies, one with a sell by date of Feb 4th @ 9:39 and the other with a sell by date of Feb 4th 16:27 had completely different labels. Assuming the shelf life of the pies is standard  that means that in the 6 hours and 48 minutes that lapsed between when the pies were made Hostess switched to new labels.  I think that's pretty interesting and I guess that's why I'm a huge fucking nerd.  

It's been crazy

Lately my life has been all over the place to the point that I'm nearly an emotional cripple. Plus, my inner nerd has been taken on a roller coaster ride as well. With that in mind I need to get a few things off my chest.

First and foremost I'd like to say KAAAAHHHHNNNN! in memory of the great Ricardo Montalban.

I'd also like to say FUCK YES!!! to Fox & Warner Bros. finally getting their shit together. I can't believe we'll all see Watchmen on time after all.

Yesterday I cried the whole way home from work. Today I may do a little dance.

Overstepping Boundaries?

I was trying to avoid work today (everyday) so I stumbled over to see what Rob at Cockeyed was up to. It seems that Rob Cockerham, who writes that site, is looking for 1,000 evites this year. I think that's a pretty cool concept and a fun thing to participate in. Bonus: I just got an evite today.

My somewhat uptight twin sister (who is, "too busy") to read this blog is co-hosting a bitch-n-swap at her house in a couple of weeks. I sent Rob an invite. I am sure I will feel Twins wrath. I know Rob will not be coming cross country to attend, but it will be funny to see his reply to the evite ....and if Twin blows her top.

I got an answer already, that was quick:

cockeyed
Sorry, I'll be out of town. Thanks for the invitation!

Admittedly that wasn't much of a reply but I am still curious to see what my sister will say.
I have a feeling it will be along the lines of, "Who is cockeyed and why are you inviting them to my house?" in about as snide of a voice that you can handle.


Oh yeah, I talked to Twin aka DM today and she did not thank me for the birthday present. She did however leave me a bottle of wine I saw in her pantry about a month ago for a present. THANKS!

It's Dean!

It may be shocking for you to learn that I don't love cartoons. Well not 'news at eleven' sort of shocking necessarily, but surprising considering the fact that I married someone who went to school for computer animation. I do however L-O-V-E The Venture Bros. on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.

Even before they started the shirt of the week thing there were several Venture Bros. shirts floating around my house. We have all the DVD's and even have this past season saved in the DVR. Even my wallpaper and screen savers are Venture themed. Yes we are nerds supreme, especially when it comes to the Ventures. My good friend, we'll call him Shmian (mostly because he hates that nick name) has a red beard when it grows in and is bald most of the time. He's a dead ringer for Rusty, especially the older we get (yes that is depressing). Schmian is also the type of guy who would wear a speed suit, plus he loves science! IF you're confused about what I'm talking about click on the link above and order season one on DVD - you so won't regret it. Unless you have absolutely no sense of humor what so ever, and in that case what the fuck are you doing here anyway?

My point wasn't to plug a show I happen to love, but to display my supreme nerdery for all to see. I used my DEAN! t-shirt as a template and carved my jack-o-lantern in the image of the most handsome of the Ventures (sorry Hank). Why? Because the ladies do love Dean!!

How fucking awesome is that - Dean-o-lantern FTW!

Credit card application cookie party

Credit Card offers, we all get them. If you use credit cards you get lots of them. It's usually the same ten offers over and over again and the envelopes become easily recognizable. Even the ones that they try to trick you into opening that come in plain envelopes are easily spotted after a while. I just tear them in half and throw them out, but that's me.

My BFF (for lack of a better term) used to use credit cards - a lot. Professor Friend is one of those guys who's a little too brainy for his own good. I wouldn't say he lacks total common sense, but I will say that sometimes he over thinks things a little. I think that's what makes him more paranoid than your average bear. (Note to friend: please do not take offense to this, you know you're loved!)

Professor Friend has been 'collecting' credit card applications for years. Not because he's crazy pack rat guy (he is a little, but that's another story), or because he's a collection buff, but because he's afraid of people rooting through his trash and stealing his identity. He really does have the purest of intentions, but he hasn't thrown away a credit card application in years. Literally.
I've been after him to get rid of them for a really long time now, and he even went put and bought a paper shredder at one point. Still, the task seemed kind of daunting (that's a lot of paper to shred) and they just kept piling up.

On a recent visit to Friend's house I was up at five a.m. (not abnormal for me). I'm usually happy to watch TV while I wait for the rest of the world to wake up. Only problem was there's no cable at the Professor's bed and breakfast (he gets two channels, one of them is in Spanish) and I got bored - quickly. After a few hours of cleaning and reading it hit me, I was going to shred all of those piles of applications and maybe give my friend a little better quality of life in the process.

I grabbed a couple of piles off the floor and began to open the envelopes. A lot of crap comes with those applications. Inserts that boast 0% interest and the privacy statements made up entirely of 'fine print'. I didn't think it was necessary to shred all of that stuff, just the offers themselves with Friend's personal information on it. I was already at it for hours before anyone else woke up. Professor Friend was a little startled to awake to the sounds of paper shredding and to find his kitchen table filled with discarded envelopes and offers. Not angry, he knows I'm happy to take over most situations, just surprised. He joined in and we started a mini assembly line, he opened envelopes and I ran the shredder.

We were really moving along when Husband finally got out of bed, then he joined in and we were really having a party! For about twenty minutes. That's when we burned out the motor on the shredder. Yep, there were so many applications we killed a moderately priced paper shredder. The situation seemed dire.... so we remedied that by baking cookies!


While the cookies baked we had to solve the problem of what to do with all of those applications. A call to the borough told us recreational burning was prohibited, and that was our best option. Crap. We eventually settled on taking them to Friend's parents house on his next trip home and burning them there. So, we played records, ate cookies and separated the applications from the filler. It was fun and everyone had a sense of accomplishment.



Soon the cookies were gone and we were almost finished. That is until professor Friend layed a bombshell on us. The professor had moved to his current residence several years ago. I guess he couldn't bear to leave behind his collection even then, and had brought a garbage bag full of applications with him. Seriously. Who takes their old junk mail to another state? Only one man. I'm not going to lie, I was more than annoyed. The end was in sight, and now this huge road block. I mean why the fuck didn't he just throw these things away? Uugh!

I got a little bitchy, and a serious discussion about paranoia and procrastination followed. But, as pissed as I was I couldn't just stop there. I needed the satisfaction of getting rid of every credit card application once and for all. We decided as a team to forge on.
It was this point in the process where I started to really get annoyed with these companies and how they interrupted everyone's lives. They inundate you with the same offers again and again hoping you'll eventually bite. I started to wonder who was the most relentless in an industry of harassment professionals. While the boys opened envelopes, I sorted the offers and Chase was the worst offender, by a landslide.
When we were finished we had two bags of trash (envelopes and fillers) and one bag of actual applications to be burned.

I wanted Professor Friend to put the big bag of applications in his trunk so there would be no doubt they'd make it home with him on his next trip, but he declined that option citing soaring gas prices. So, I settled for the next best thing and had him store the bag in the duffel he uses every time he comes home for a visit. That way it won't slip his mind.

Finally Success!!!! I was filled with relief. For a while there was some tension, but we muddled through and got the job done. I had never shared that kind of satisfaction three ways before, it was hot and weird all at the same time. I'm also proud to report the shredder cooled down and is working again. It lives in the kitchen and Friend has been really good about shredding the applications as they come in. Good Job Professor!
**Images have been distorted to protect the paranoid

silly putty isn't green

My friend's nephew left his 'not' silly putty in his car. To paraphrase a nine year old, "It's not silly putty, because silly putty is pink, not green. I mean everyone knows that." I don't really dig on kids all that much, but that cracked me up.
Even though we're in our thirties, silly putty is still fun. One morning it entertained us over coffee for a good hour. Then we started to ask questions like could the silly putty seep through the holes in a salt shaker? How far could gravity pull silly putty? We decided to test it out.
We knew the chances of the putty going through the holes in a salt shaker was a lofty aspiration. A potato masher on the other hand had much larger holes - it was perfect. It wasn't even a question of whether it would go through, but how long it would take. It seemed like cheating to start out with flat 'not' silly putty, so we rolled it into a ball first.
As you can see here the holes are pretty large. We had to fashion a support for the masher, we used a jar and an old towel - you know, your standard scientific equipment. All we had to do now was wait for our friend gravity to do it's thing.


It started to flatten out right away - yippee - this was totally going to work. We got ready to go to the beach. An hour later, not much more progress. We decided to head for the beach and figured we'd come home to an oozy silly putty mess.

Nope. You can see that it oozed through the holes a little, all in all it was an unsatisfactory result. But, for the effort invested I guess it was still a fun science experiment with 'not' silly putty.

UPDATE: In response to Keith's comment, we left the silly putty on the masher for about 12 hours. I think microwaving it might be cheating, but am willing to give it another go starting with a flat patty instead of a round ball. There might be more seepage that way.

Adventurous Me

I can't tell you how many times I have read in magazines (fashion, fitness, beauty) that a mashed up avocado is great for you hair - something about fatty acids adding moisture. It's Bullshit!!! I tried it yesterday and my hair felt like it had been over processed with chemicals or something. I totally freaked out in the shower.

Two conditioning treatments later and there has been some improvement but it's going to take me at least three more to get my hair back to it's soft and shiny self. I'm fuckin' pissed.