Credit card application cookie party

Credit Card offers, we all get them. If you use credit cards you get lots of them. It's usually the same ten offers over and over again and the envelopes become easily recognizable. Even the ones that they try to trick you into opening that come in plain envelopes are easily spotted after a while. I just tear them in half and throw them out, but that's me.

My BFF (for lack of a better term) used to use credit cards - a lot. Professor Friend is one of those guys who's a little too brainy for his own good. I wouldn't say he lacks total common sense, but I will say that sometimes he over thinks things a little. I think that's what makes him more paranoid than your average bear. (Note to friend: please do not take offense to this, you know you're loved!)

Professor Friend has been 'collecting' credit card applications for years. Not because he's crazy pack rat guy (he is a little, but that's another story), or because he's a collection buff, but because he's afraid of people rooting through his trash and stealing his identity. He really does have the purest of intentions, but he hasn't thrown away a credit card application in years. Literally.
I've been after him to get rid of them for a really long time now, and he even went put and bought a paper shredder at one point. Still, the task seemed kind of daunting (that's a lot of paper to shred) and they just kept piling up.

On a recent visit to Friend's house I was up at five a.m. (not abnormal for me). I'm usually happy to watch TV while I wait for the rest of the world to wake up. Only problem was there's no cable at the Professor's bed and breakfast (he gets two channels, one of them is in Spanish) and I got bored - quickly. After a few hours of cleaning and reading it hit me, I was going to shred all of those piles of applications and maybe give my friend a little better quality of life in the process.

I grabbed a couple of piles off the floor and began to open the envelopes. A lot of crap comes with those applications. Inserts that boast 0% interest and the privacy statements made up entirely of 'fine print'. I didn't think it was necessary to shred all of that stuff, just the offers themselves with Friend's personal information on it. I was already at it for hours before anyone else woke up. Professor Friend was a little startled to awake to the sounds of paper shredding and to find his kitchen table filled with discarded envelopes and offers. Not angry, he knows I'm happy to take over most situations, just surprised. He joined in and we started a mini assembly line, he opened envelopes and I ran the shredder.

We were really moving along when Husband finally got out of bed, then he joined in and we were really having a party! For about twenty minutes. That's when we burned out the motor on the shredder. Yep, there were so many applications we killed a moderately priced paper shredder. The situation seemed dire.... so we remedied that by baking cookies!


While the cookies baked we had to solve the problem of what to do with all of those applications. A call to the borough told us recreational burning was prohibited, and that was our best option. Crap. We eventually settled on taking them to Friend's parents house on his next trip home and burning them there. So, we played records, ate cookies and separated the applications from the filler. It was fun and everyone had a sense of accomplishment.



Soon the cookies were gone and we were almost finished. That is until professor Friend layed a bombshell on us. The professor had moved to his current residence several years ago. I guess he couldn't bear to leave behind his collection even then, and had brought a garbage bag full of applications with him. Seriously. Who takes their old junk mail to another state? Only one man. I'm not going to lie, I was more than annoyed. The end was in sight, and now this huge road block. I mean why the fuck didn't he just throw these things away? Uugh!

I got a little bitchy, and a serious discussion about paranoia and procrastination followed. But, as pissed as I was I couldn't just stop there. I needed the satisfaction of getting rid of every credit card application once and for all. We decided as a team to forge on.
It was this point in the process where I started to really get annoyed with these companies and how they interrupted everyone's lives. They inundate you with the same offers again and again hoping you'll eventually bite. I started to wonder who was the most relentless in an industry of harassment professionals. While the boys opened envelopes, I sorted the offers and Chase was the worst offender, by a landslide.
When we were finished we had two bags of trash (envelopes and fillers) and one bag of actual applications to be burned.

I wanted Professor Friend to put the big bag of applications in his trunk so there would be no doubt they'd make it home with him on his next trip, but he declined that option citing soaring gas prices. So, I settled for the next best thing and had him store the bag in the duffel he uses every time he comes home for a visit. That way it won't slip his mind.

Finally Success!!!! I was filled with relief. For a while there was some tension, but we muddled through and got the job done. I had never shared that kind of satisfaction three ways before, it was hot and weird all at the same time. I'm also proud to report the shredder cooled down and is working again. It lives in the kitchen and Friend has been really good about shredding the applications as they come in. Good Job Professor!
**Images have been distorted to protect the paranoid