It always comes in three's

I had planned a little spring excursion with the Professor couple of weeks ago. We saw the Mates of State at the Trocadero and spent the weekend taking in the Philly sights before driving back his place in South Jersey. We went to china town and walked to Geno's for a couple with Whiz & onions - you know, the usual walking tour.  

I love to drive and was excited to hit the open road for a while just me and my iPod. Unfortunately I got a little too excited and got nabbed for speeding on the way home. When I noticed the trooper I was doing 90+mph but luckily I had a little time to slow down and she only clocked me at 83.  I was given a citation with no points attached as long as I paid the fine which I promptly did. 

Here's the ticket:

Unfortunately I didn't read the citation closely enough because I mistakenly shorted the Commonwealth 50 cents. I only realized my mistake because they were nice enough to bring it to my attention. 

My favorite part is the current balance column on the right. Who breaks this stuff down? Will the court even notice if they never receive their four cents?  I find it totally absurd that someone was paid to actually highlight Current Balance Due:     .50 - and actually did. Then that stellar employee mailed it to me at a cost of 42 cents for postage.  Shouldn't anything under two bucks be waived? Really, they'd probably save money. I'm sending another check, but only for 45 cents. I want to see how they divi up that last nickle. 

Oh, and that third thing? Totaled my car. Yep - I've been awesome lately!!

Resignation Dinner

I'm well aware this is not the economy in which one should just abandon a good paying job willy nilly. Especially when you have plans to be out of town three of the next five weekends. However, sometimes you just have to follow your gut and do what you must to preserve a sense of dignity (and sanity). Plus without that pesky job holding me back I'll have more time to spend entertaining you, my loyal readers.

Once I made the decision to quit my job the execution was fairly easy and extremely satisfying. The company I worked for excelled in testing the limits of it's employees loyalty and dedication. Being an asshole comes naturally to me so I saw quitting a job I've worked really hard at for three years as the perfect opportunity to stick it the man. If you choose your point of exit to put said company into an even tighter spot than they were already in it can really bring a smile to your face. If no one else there knows what your daily functions are or how you carry them out day to day you can consider that a bonus.

When you decide to take the plunge into unemployment and the uncertain future that comes with it alcohol is in order. At my house there are always bottles of Yuengling, one or two bottles of wine, and a bottle of Beefeaters in stock. I drink beer pretty regularly so the Yuengling wasn't going to cut it and the giggly drunk that comes with wine doesn't exactly drown your sorrows. Only the pure, heavy intoxication of gin would do. I needed to be in top form to put the final edits on the resignation letter I had started to draft the day before. (I really only wrote it because it was cathartic - can I plan ahead or what?)

Way back around Thanksgiving I went to the strip district where I bought a can of coconut soda on a whim at one of the Asian markets. The strip is a Local market where there's a specialty store for everything and the seafood, produce, and meats come in fresh daily. My favorite stop is the place that has about 400 different types of cheese and the selections are listed by their country of origin. I love that my city celebrates the nationalities that forged it. I had decided to celebrate this momentous event by cooking some delicious Thai food. I love this red curry dish with coconut rice that I make and wanted to really savor the evening. Anyway, that can of coconut soda has been sitting in my fridge ever since. I usually only drink my gin one of two ways, either with tonic and lime or in a dirty martini, but since that night was special I decided to try something new. Coconut is a prominent ingredient in Thai food and I thought it would make a pretty good mixer so I tried it out. Coconut soda and gin was pretty good on it's own, but I'm not a fan of sweet drinks. I decided to cut the sweetness with some lime juice and the result was delicious!!! I had accidentally concocted a signature drink - I call it Liberation with lime. I urge you all to try it, I think it will be a nice cocktail for those spring days when summer isn't quite coming fast enough and you want to invoke the feeling of being on a private island without fucking with a blender.

How delicious does that look? It was a really nice night. I was totally relaxed and slept better than I had in weeks.

I was pretty proud of the resignation letter I had penned and admittedly had to edit it some the morning after because I got a little too brazen. Still everything in it is a fact, I didn't leave much room for opinion. I think it's professional with just the right amount of fuck you sprinkled in. I'm including a copy here in case you're interested. I changed some names, just in case. The only thing I forgot to mention is what a glowing review my boss gave me. Really, it was embarrassing, I was half expecting her to bend over and lick my ass. Know that Bill is the company owner, Chris is his son and Kelly is my direct superior. Darlene is Chris' fiance, she's only been there about a year now and runs around like she owns the place. She's not very popular among the staff and employs an "I try to make myself inaccessible" management style (her words). Both Bill and Chris just bought new BMW's within the last two months and Darlene is sporting a three carat rock easy.

26 March 2009

Attn: HR Guy

Recently my performance, willingness to be a team player and over all dedication to (this company) has become suspect. I would like a chance to clear up a few issues that may have been overlooked.
I first started with (this company) as a receptionist. It was my beginning with a department that works alongside many others that helped foster a sense of community with other departments in the company. When I moved to Intake I still backed up reception as well as helped the consulting case managers and worked on side projects for other departments. I was on my own for several months while in Intake and still found time to write a revised training manual.
When I was offered the position of Medical Records Supervisor I still helped cover the intake phones while training my replacement. This was quite a task while I tried to get my bearings in a new department where I had only received about six hours of training. I wrote a department procedure manual since there wasn’t one left behind from prior management. I also took over transcription editing from Kelly, began to scan documents/credentials for Provider Relations, and worked on several special projects for different departments. When Oracle came along I gave up a week of my time to help enter patients into the new system. I have always been willing to back up Intake when needed and have offered my assistance to any other department that may have needed it. I cut back in personnel in Medical Records and even took work home that didn’t require a computer.
I’m guessing that Bill and Chris chose to ‘evaluate’ my work day the way they did because of the problems with this department before I arrived here (even though I’m the sole reason that management was made aware of those issues). That of course coupled with Kelly's ignorance as to what my daily functions are. I would have happily detailed my job requirements and even shown/trained someone had I been asked in a dignified manor. My only regret now is that I outlined everything so cohesively in my training manual.
By the time I received my review for the 2008 work year it was forty days past due. I was prepared to ask for the hefty raise I believe I deserved and had provided Kelly with a history of positive changes I had made within my department to support my request. I was denied additional compensation and give what I now affectionately refer to as the three percent insult. I understand economic times are tough so I tried to negotiate compensation by requesting extra vacation days. Two extra days wouldn’t have cost the company anything but would have kept me loyal and willing. I was told that vacation days were nonnegotiable. I questioned that fact citing that Darlene hadn’t even been employed with (this company) for a year, yet she had been off for six weeks since she started with the company. During my negotiations with Kelly I also conceded that perhaps Darlene’s situation was more a product of nepotism considering the fact that she’ s engaged to (this company's) Vice President.
Up until this point in my history with (this company) I had been willing to do whatever was asked of me. I was loyal to a fault, even spending Thanksgiving of 2008 separating cocs so I would have them ready to scan the next day. I never received any overtime pay for the work I took home. When Chris quit I doubled my scanning efforts. I would have happily worked overtime, but management refused to allow me that option. Eventually, with no help and no incentive, I had a moment of clarity. I decided for self preservation's sake I couldn’t do another person’s job without any additional compensation. I would no longer try to make up the sixteen hours a week Chris scanned. I was going to concentrate solely on my own job duties.
Without someone scanning charts on a regular basis I soon began to see a change in the work that was to be done. There were fewer charts to be indexed now. Also, there were fewer transcription edits due to changes implemented in the clinics. Plus, because scanning was so backed up there were fewer add-ons to look up and scan. I found I had about an hour extra a day depending on the volume of requests I received. For the record, the week I was ‘monitored’ I ate lunch at my desk three times, accounting for an hour and a half of Internet usage. I must say that I’m baffled that Bill was so outraged that one of his employees would let time pass so fruitlessly as I did. If only he had felt that way when I was in reception and he was calling for an hour to an hour and a half almost daily. I could have been spared the intimate details of his family life and it would have saved me a lot of grief from jealous peers.
I find myself caught in a vicious cycle where not being compensated for my hard work keeps me from giving my all and not trying my hardest makes me think badly of myself. I’m sorry, but there’s no way in hell I’m training my replacement. You’ve already decided my worth, my backs against the wall - I quit.

Most Sincerely
Wendo27

Can you hear me from way up here...... on my soap box?

If you've never stood up for something you believe in you don't know how good it feels. The exhilaration brought on by all the adrenaline mixed with the satisfaction of doing what you know is right, there's nothing like that feeling in the world. It can be as simple as asking someone to quiet down in the theater or as monumental as marching on Washington in support of your beliefs. I've done both.

When I first saw the trailer for Milk I was excited, I've always been interested in The Twinkie Defense. I was actually surprised by how many people there were around me that had never heard of it. Didn't everyone grow up listening to Jello Biafra's spoken words on cassette? Well, I finally saw Milk last night and it was moving. I left the theater feeling empowered and a bit like a political slouch all at the same time. To me that means the film did it's job.

I kind of feel like this overly litigious, disgustingly PC society has made it hard to get angry about anything. It's alright to be mad, show passion for something and leave complacency behind. Whether you're asking that family in Wal-Mart to please have their child quit kicking your cart or staging a protest for equality. I implore you to go out and prove common courtesy is not dead.

Satisfactory Results

I received an email from Lance Snacks today and was most pleased. I mean this is what I call customer service! No bullshit request to send in the half eaten package so they can "inspect" the hair. No condescending letters sent from Claims Manager Daniel T. Dubois. (Have I mentioned I have a theory that Bic has resold the razor I sent in since they claim it contained "no defects"?) Lance accepted I had a complaint, explained they weren't sure how it happened, and rectified the situation by sending coupons. Coupons I didn't even ask for by the way, they just want me to be a satisfied customer. They succeeded, because I feel very satisfied. Bic corporation could learn a thing or two from Lance Snacks. They might not be the global giant Bic is, but they have customer service down pat. When you read their email below notice how they even indulge that I questioned which part of the body the hair came from in a totally non-patronizing way. Good Job Lance!


Lance Communications‏

From: Lance Communications (webservice@lance.com)
Sent: Wed 10/29/08 12:06 PM
To: wendo7@live.com (wendo7@live.com)

Please accept our apologies for your experience with Lance Cream Cheese with Chives on Captain's Wafers that contained hair. We are most concerned to have this report. We are unable to identify the source of the hair since we did not receive the product. We do have a comprehensive hair restraint policy that has greatly reduced the number of hair contamination problems. We feel this was an isolated occurrence but are certainly taking further steps to prevent this from happening again.

This product is manufactured in accordance with the highest quality standards. Please be assured that this information has been forwarded to the responsible individuals for corrective action.

Again, we apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. We are sending coupons for your use. We hope you will continue to have faith in our organization and purchase our products as you have in the past.

Smooth, right? This reminds me I have an email to send to Bic.....

More Bic-ering to come

Just a little update on what has been going on. I am finally recovered from my trip. I will go through the pictures tonight and finally get that ACL post up tomorrow or Wednesday.

Saw an awesome rock show Friday night, Face Down Presley kicked ass!!! Also went to see Monster Slayer Saturday night. If you like old school ridiculously themed horror flicks with corn syrup fake blood and the works, this one is for you. Plus Robert Englund plays the professor - it was pretty great!

I also sent my second email to Bic since the last letter. What I wrote wasn't that poetic, but it was to the point. I am going to save the text in my email and send them this same email once a week until I receive a cease and desist order. What kind of multi million dollar company quibbles over $5.99? Anyway here's a copy of the email I sent, keep your fingers crossed kids!

This is my third email to your company after two hand written letters. I had purchased a Soleil shaver and was very unsatisfied with the results. I sent the razor back per your request and sent back the coupons received in exchange for a refund. I just want my $5.99 back. At this point it's not about money but principle. Why would a giant corporation want to screw someone who was sincerely unhappy with the product received. You've already wasted more than the money owed in postage and man hours. I'm screaming this one from the rooftops Bic, I even stopped a woman from purchasing your razor in the drug store the other day. I know I don't have much of a voice, but I do have one and will use it until i get what I feel was owed to me. I'm sorry your razor doesn't meet the standard I'm used to, should I be penalized because I prefer a quality product, I think not. Please forward my refund (as this is my 5th request) to the attached address post haste. Thank you.

Plausible Marketing Strategy?

Ask any kid what the quintessential flavor for their favorite high fructose corn syrup laden treat is and first thing they'll do is ask you what quintessential means. Once that's cleared up though they'll undoubtedly tell you it's cherry. Red Kool Aid mustaches are a permanent fixture on most kids during the summertime, and right now in households all across America kids are fighting over the last red popsicle while a pile of their orange flavored bastard cousins go untouched. The cherry red flavoring is so popular that even Lifesavers marketed a roll devoted just to it.


No longer a child myself, I still indulge in sugary snacks and am more than happy to have a pile of Swedish Fish for lunch. Being the connoisseur I am I will say that while grape is a close second I have to admit that when it comes to candy cherry is still my favorite flavor. Nostalgia? Maybe, but I just think it tastes so much better than other artificial flavorings.


I bought a movie theatre style box of Runts at the store the other day. I love Runts, especially the cherry and lime because they're more tangy than the other flavors. I like to eat a cherry and lime together, it's like a fruit flavored party in my mouth. I hate the banana ones (does anyone eat those because I just throw them away) and could take or leave the orange and strawberry. Are you getting the point of why I bought the box of Runts? Now I'm hoping you can use your excellent deduction skills to figure out which two flavors had been replaced.


Yep, that's right, cherry and lime were gone, removed by none other than Mr. Willy Wonka himself. I felt betrayed until I tasted the two flavors that replaced my beloved cherry and lime, then I was just offended. The two new flavors are mango and pineapple. Why would they remove the most popular candy flavor known to man to replace it with these miniature replica's of exotic fruit? I have to admit the pineapple tasted like a pineapple - that had been doused in preservatives and sucrose. The mango, well that tasted like sweat socks. For the first time ever a box of candy has been sitting around my house for weeks uneaten.




When I was taking the pictures to go along with this story I took a closer look at the box. The new flavors are announced in Spanish and kind of hidden in English. They don't say they took away cherry and lime (false advertising) but then again I don't see a cherry rollerblading on there either. I guess it's just another marketing effort aimed at America's ever growing population of Spanish consumers. I totally feel like I got the shaft.

They're still selling snake oil at the county fair

County fairs are a good place to go if you need to feel good about your station in life. I went for the demolition derby (never been), the ego boost was just a bonus. We ate fair food, played some games, and rode the tilt-a-whirl. There was even an attraction where you could see the world's largest rat.
If I didn't know it was a scam when I read 'world's largest', I should have known when I heard the recording that was piping into the air. "See the world's largest rat, over one hundred pounds ....it consumes gallons of water every day!" This particular fair wasn't very big and the first time we passed the giant rat attraction we decided to save the two bucks and skip it. The second time we went by we were sucked in. Mostly becuase the rat that was drawn on the booth looked exactly like this.....
Even though curiosity got the best of us, we didn't lose our heads completely. We decided that we didn't all need to pay to see the giant rat, one person would go and take a picture with their cell phone for the rest to see.

Guess who got nominated? Me. So, I payed my two bucks and joined all the 11 year old boys and stepped up to see the 'giant rat'. I wasn't in there two seconds before I came back out again. Why? Because I was swindled, that's why. It wasn't a giant rat, it was a capybara. If you don't know what that is, here's a picture. It is a rodent, but looks more like a giant guinea pig to me....
I mean, it doesn't even have a tail. I was pissed off. I hate being taken advantage of. I walked back up to the girl selling admission and lodged my complaint.

Me: That isn't a rat, it's a capybara

Her: (being a snide little snit) Also known as the South American River Rat

Me: It's false advertising, your sign doesn't have a picture of a capybara, it has a picture of a rat - with a tail. Capybara's don't even have tails. I want my money back.

Her: (making the most repulsive face ever) Well, it is the biggest capabara in the world, she's so big becuase we baby her.

Me: Oh yeah, she's living the good life in that cage with no sunlight, and not so much as some hay to lay on.

Her: Sorry, no refunds.

It was on, I was pissed and had nothing but time. I noticed some people contemplating the attraction. I went right up to them and very loudly told them it wasn't a giant rat, but a capybara, and a normal sized one at that. I chased five groups of people away from that attraction before I pranced off in victory. Ha!

Wendo-1
Carnie's-0

Battle BIC Continues... or Lazlo give me strength

I received a response from the BIC people a few weeks back. Unfortunately, they did not refund my money, but instead sent me a coupon for another crappy BIC razor. They must be really hard up for people to use their products. It ain't gonna be me though, because sometimes you just get what you pay for - if nothing else, BIC Corp. has taught me that valuable lesson. Here's the letter and coupon they sent me.

And here is my most witty response......

I really am expecting a refund after this letter, and it's a shame because I will miss sparring with my good friend, Daniel T. DuBois, Claims Manager Extraordinaire.

Lazlo is my co-pilot

Like everything else razor blades keep getting fancier... and more expensive. I have two razor's the Venus and the Quattro(which came free in the mail). I don't really prefer one over the other but having two gives me options in case one brand of cartridges is on sale.

I recently found myself standing in the razor isle at Wal-Mart starring at the price break down looking for a deal. Frankly $9.00 seemed a little steep to me. I mean is that why they sent me a free razor in the mail - to fleece me when I needed a refill?

Then I noticed the Bic Soleil which was moderately priced at five bucks and change. It seemed too good to be true so I carefully inspected the packaging. The Solei had three blades and you got the razor and three cartridges in total plus a money saving coupon inside - Sweet! I grabbed one, finished my shopping, and headed home. I was stoked to open my new goodies, yes fellas girls do get excited over this crap, and mount the new razor in my shower where it could mingle with it's peers.

And then it happened, I used it, not once but twice. The first time I used it I could tell it wasn't the smoothest of shaves. It made my skin feel raw immediately and I got giant nicks on my ankles -bleeders to boot. My legs were on fire the whole day, still in two days time I would repeat the whole process again. Why? Because I couldn't stand the thought of spending money on something I was going to have to throw away. Yes I know it was less than six bucks, but it's the principal. I was hoping it was just a bumpy first ride. Nope, it was the Soleil, I used it again with the same result as the first shave, only this time I had cuts on the backs of my knees too. By this point I felt like an idiot.


Quickly though, my shame turned to anger and that's when I took action. I went online and filled out the standard customer service survey and directly asked for a refund. I pointed out that I wasn't sure how much I spent as I didn't save my receipt but that I bought the razor at Wal-Mart. Nothing to do now but kick back and wait for my check to arrive in the mail, right? Wrong!!! Instead I received this letter.......

....and I was pissed when I read it. I'm sure this letter is standard fare in the customer service game over at Bic, but I still couldn't believe it. In exchange for completing their homework assignment they offered me ...coupons? When I directly asked for a refund. I guess I was going to have to sing for my supper.

If you haven't figured it out from the title, I dig the Lazlo Toth letters. The idea of going against a huge corporation over six bucks was starting to look like a noble pursuit and I took action. I packed up everything I still had in my possession, the razor, all the blade cartridges, the shower holder, and even the $1 off coupon. With a little inspiration from my friend I sent them off to Bic along with this response.

I really can't wait to see what I get in return..... I'll keep you posted!