I LIKE TO KILL DEER.... and that rhymes with... I like to drink beer!!!!

If you didn't know already, I'm a beer drinker boys and girls. I drink lots and lots of beer, I even bottled my first brewed batch on Easter... hooray!!! I have been drinking beer professionally since I was 13, yet today (21 years later) I had a first. Mama Mia's Pizza Beer. I asked the bartender if it was beer that tasted good with pizza, his reply, "No, it's a beer that tastes like pizza." He also mentioned it was only $4 a bottle (in a bar where an average beer can reach $12 a glass, some as high as $100+) so it was worth a try.



Well today we (made the mistake) took the chance and tried it. The smell was amazing, like a pizzaria. The taste, it wasn't that bad, almost as if you were drinking a mild beer while eating pizza. Shon drank the bulk of it, he got a bellyache. Would we get it again, no. Was the novelty worth it, yes.

Shon has a few comments for my readers:
1. Beer, my gentle readers, is a beverage. It should taste like... yes, beer.
2. By that rationale, beer that reportedly tastes like food, is SUSPECT.
3. Today I drank a beer brewed with oregano, garlic, tomato, and basil. Yes I said garlic. Like bad-breath-kill-vampires-need-a-breath-mint-and-bottle-of-Scope-garlic. You can't imagine what the burps taste- or smell- like.
4. Any questions or arguments, refer to #2.


... my final note on the subject.. good thing I LOVE garlic!!

.... and Shon says, "Go Tiger!"

Taco Bell goes high class..... Or e-coliriffic!

So, I saw this add on TV boasting how Taco Bell now sells shrimp tacos. I don't think this is the best idea. My sister says I'm a food snob, but that's not where this is coming from. Really, I love Taco Bell as much as the next girl, but is shrimp really in demand at the Bell?

Hear me out. I was in line at the Taco Bell drive through once and they were unloading the truck. I was really happy I only eat the chicken tacos there once I read the cartons. They read, "Grade F Beef: Edible".

IF YOU HAVE TO LABEL FOOD AS EDIBLE, PEOPLE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE EATING IT. (I'm just saying)

And, while they boasted a hearty portion of 5 shrimp per taco, you and me know that's not much, considering they're probably small shrimp (about U35's I'm guessing). Plus, once microwaved I'm guessing they get chewier than bubble gum.

Look at that picture. Sure it looks delicious-ish, but there's 2 of your 5 shrimpies right there. Besides, has Rob Cockerham taught us nothing when it comes to fast food?

My advice to Taco Bell: You don't have to get all fancy-like, just stick to what keeps us coming back, cheap fauxican food we crave late at night.

Fork Lift Hero

This is my little brother. He's pretty fucking awesome. He was changing my brakes today and while we were waiting for my dad to bring a tool back we had some time to kill. Unfortunately, the fork lift is out of gas, so we rode the pallet lifter around instead. Some assholes he knows decided to be dicks on Thanksgiving and spray painted all over his car and his work truck. The purple paint really stands out against the champagne finish on his Civic. There was something drawn on the roof and I couldn't tell what it was. When I asked he just said, "it's cheese" in the saddest voice ever. Oh.
Jerks. Does this really look like a kid who deserves that? I know he can be a little shit, but he's a little shit with a heart of gold.
Wheeeeee!!!!!

Asian Food Experiment:Take 1.......or Soylent Bean

A few months ago when I went to Philly with Professor Friend to see the Mates of State at the Trocadero we spent the next day roaming the city hangovers in tow. During our very long walk to Geno's Steaks (totally worth it) we detoured through china town and of course stopped in to a few Asian grocers. When you're shopping at the Asian market it's always fun to grab a few packets of something with mystery ingredients. Mystery ingredients to us anyway since neither of us actually speak Chinese. It's a fun game.

Throw in the fact that I have multiple food allergies and it makes this a much riskier venture you would originally think. Luckily, Asian marketing seems to be pretty straight forward. Those guys put pictures on everything! So, when flexing my culinary muscles I just look for the usual visual clues. There's not a doubt in my mind that if a package contained shrimp (or even shrimp flavoring) there would be a picture of those chipper little guys smiling up at me, waving his tentacles in glee as if to say, "I'm tasty!"

During the Philly trip I bought two different packages. We were going to drive back to Jersey, grab some beer, and do the experiment there using the professor as my own personal guinea pig. Unfortunately, the professor lost the cable for his camera and I wouldn't be able to access any pictures we took so we had to put our plans on hold until a later date. Technical difficulties thwart more plans of mine than I'd like to admit. Fast forward to Sunday night. Boyfriend and I got off work and went out for a drink (shocker, right?) We finally got home after a few stops and we were happily inebriated. We were also hungry, but hadn't gone grocery shopping in weeks so it was slim pickins. That's when boyfriend emerged from my office with a shit eating grin on his face and one of the packets of mystery snacks I had long forgotten.

Ta-da! Beef Pops! (I'm guessing) I never entertained the idea of these things actually counting as sustinance, they certainly didn't qualify as a meal. But, when you have a drunk and hungry boyfriend on your hands who's willing to eat anything the rules kinda go out the window. I know what you're thinking, "that's beef jerky, big deal". But I hate beef jerky (love Slim Jim's though), so the idea of meat lollipops are pretty gross to me. Besides, the big picture here is that these are Asian "beef" lollipops which means they could be made of practically anything; dog, cat, guinea pig... need I go on?

When we opened the packaging we were nearly bowled over by the smell. A mixture of beef and ass that one can only find in pre-packaged meats that need no refrigeration. It in no way made me want to try the treats inside. Nor did the greasy lubrication I assume they included to keep the meat 'moist', so it slides down the gullit more easily. Ideal, I'm sure, for the snacker on the run.

Boyfriend went first. He devoured half a meat pop in one bite. It tasted enough like beef jerky, but the texture begged to differ. It was chewy like it had been dehydrated and then rehydrated. Exactly what one looks for in a quality snack!

I went next and I believe the following picture sums up my reaction nicely......

Yeah. Besides my general hate for beef jerky something was not right there. Still, we polished off the whole package before we actually decided to do any further investigation (thanks alcohol). Even the Bean had some. Dogs.... she wasn't even drunk.

Here's where I feel I should mention that it wasn't until we were nearing the end of the packet that we noticed these weird swirly little objects peppered throughout the grease. Were they some sort of magical spices or were they tiny little rolled up worms? We weren't sure. Upon inspection we decided they probably weren't worms since they were visible through the clear packaging and these meat pops were heavily seasoned. Sometimes it's better for your own psyche to believe the less horrible of options, we were going to live blissfully in ignorance.

That lasted about three minutes.

Our bellies full, (and kinda rumbly) we decided to try and figure out what exactly we had just eaten. We were pretty sure it wasn't beef, and we hoped for Barski's sake it wasn't dog. I couldn't live with the idea of making my dog an involuntary cannibal. The only language on the packaging that wasn't a Chinese character accompanied what we assumed was the company mascot/logo in the corner of the packaging. Asia's answer to the Quaker Oats guy? Here's hoping!

There it is folks, Xiang Xiang, the only recognizable script on the packaging. We let our fingers do the walking with a quick internet search and found the company's website. It was in Chinese, but there was a translate to English option, perfect. There it was right on the home page, Xiang Xiang is China's number one maker of soy based foods. Whew... enter sigh of relief here. The texture wasn't cat after all, it was soy! Super.

Later I found this picture of Xiang Xiang soy skewers online except these ones look fucking delicious.

There used to be a title here, but I kept getting dumb comments from pharmecutical companies....

Hello Kids!!!

I know it's been quite a while, but quite a lot has happened. Husband has transferred departments, his new title, BFF, was a lateral move and shouldn't be considered a demotion in any way. It's just more suited to his skill sets. With that I've changed residence and embarked on some major life changes. I had become very comfortable in my lifestyle over the past twelve years and a change of this magnitude demands a period of adjustment. While I will never be able to claim that I am 'well' adjusted I'm getting more comfortable in my new life and moving on with it (instead of the usual method of digging my heels in against the forward momentum).

What does this mean for you gentle reader? Nothing really. It's simply an explanation of where I've been and hopefully helps you understand the changes you'll notice in the future. I'll be writing more, and soon, and although Halloween may be over I still plan on carving my pumpkin.
Spoiler Alert:












This year I'm doing Moss from my favorite British sitcom IT Crowd. It's going to kick ass.


I had to censor the title because I kept getting these weird anonymous comments hawking sex enhancement drugs. Yeah... Internet!

Fun new game more annoying than your neighbors

Greetings loyal readers, (if there are any of you left), I apologize for my absence lately. I've been working a ton, and not behind a desk so Internet time has been cut back to checking emails once a week. I'm working on it, I promise!!

It's been a summer of music for me... Saw The Paper Chase earlier this summer and more recently Frank Black and The Dead Weather. Both were amazing, but the Frank Black show was absolutely stunning. To be so close to greatness as he humbly played audience requests and talked about his kids, (they like hip-hop!) was awe inspiring. It was a very intimate setting, maybe 100 people. I was so close I could have spit on him, not that I would do something like that. Here's a pic...(and the current wallpaper on my phone)

This summer's musical journey continues when I leave for Lollopalooza in a couple of hours. I'll give a full update of that when I get back. Then I wrap up the season back in Columbus for Modest Mouse at the LC Pavilion on Aug. 23rd.

Now that we're all caught up I wanted to bring your attention to a fun new game I made up a couple of nights ago. I've played it before on random drunken nights, but have decided to make it a regular thing for a few reasons. 1) To help discourage the narcissism of the American public which seems to be out of control lately (said the girl writing her life's story for all to read) and 2) If I don't entertain myself no one else will.

The idea is to let the world know that we don't need to know all about what kind of person is behind the wheel as we drive behind them on the freeway. While this game won't get rid of those annoying 'I vacationed here' ovals or the happy family stick people that are so envogue now a days it will hopefully deter a few people from telling you how much they love dachshunds or that they ahem, 'support', ahem our troops. Here's how you play..

1. Find a car with one of those obnoxious magnets that display what a douche bag the driver is for all to see.

2. Remove said magnet from the douche bag's car alleviating them of their burden. (fig. A)

3. Place the magnet on unsuspecting victim B's car. (fig. B)

4. Laugh and ponder how long it will take douche bag and unsuspecting victim B to notice your handiwork.

Fun, right!! Plus everyone gets to play so no one gets left out. Now go find yourself a Wal-Mart parking lot and wreak some havoc.

fig. A

fig. B

random nerdy bits

So.... I was eating breakfast yesterday and catching up on ToplessRobot.com when I discovered with glee that Rob finally (and I mean finally) posted the Pokemon fan fiction he's been so reluctant to share. I have long been a champion of FFF and couldn't wait for the story to unfold. Generally, I have a high tolerance for entertainment that would make most people squirm. The funniest line for me was, ""Fuck me, daddy," she said, grinning a bloody smile. Her pleading eyes met his and before she knew it, her father's wrinkly, liver-spotted dick was in her mouth." I seriously laughed out loud, and that's not even the half of it... plus the term Pokevagina deserves an honorable mention.

As glad as I was to see it posted I was bummed the story wasn't accompanied with Rob's usual snarky comments, but alas, beggars can't be choosers. While perusing the comments on this particular FFF I saw mention of two girls one cup. Now I had heard that phrase mentioned before but never actually witnessed it. Anytime I asked someone about it I was told, "you just have to see it." Curiosity got the best of me, I googled it, and lets just say a little of my innocence was lost forever. My advice to you, you don't have to see it, unless you want a little piece of your soul to die too**. This from the girl who once did a collage series using pictures from The Book of Infectious Diseases. Did I mention I was eating breakfast at the time?

I caught up on Questionable Content today too.... I love it so much!! Marigold is a welcome addition and i appreciate the way Angus' character is developing. I started here today... but you should read them all because when it comes to comics, Jeph rocks out with his cock out!!

Here's a sample..... I'm totally a Dora by the way...(for the good and the bad... well it's mostly a.... mess, but...)

*Sorry... couldn't get that to format right... so just take a look at the site... I laughed out loud for an hour this afternoon... even amidst 2girls1cup - thanks JJ!

Also worth mentioning is that there is a free online Buffy comic written by Joss Whedon himself on the Dark Horse website. It's only three pages but rife with inside references, if you're a fan, check it out.

Sidenote:

The Dead Weather CD comes out on the 15th - hooray! Also, I am going to an intimate Frank Black acoustic show on the 14th. If you're in the Pittsburgh area and going, let me know, we can grab a beer beforehand. -W

** Here is an excerpt from an email i wrote to a friend after I posted this.... believe me, leave well enough alone... stay away from 2girls1cup!!!

I only saw about 45 seconds of it and here's a brief synopsis.....

(While Never Gonna Give You Up is playing)..... Two girls kiss in bad makeup and cheap clothes, one shits in a glass, they lick and eat it. The one who didn't shit in the glass throws up on it and they pour it on each other and make out.

Damn you MM.....I wanted to know the song (because that's the only funny part) so I googled it again and I lasted a few seconds more by putting my hand over the screen, but I was actually gagging..... and you know my tolerance...... I only lasted about 35 seconds total.... I don't know how long it really is.