Bathroom Reading

Which one of these things is not like the others?

Which of these things just doesn't belong?

Also in an unrelated side note there is someone in my office we hate so much that we've decided to refer to her as CM from now on. In case you're wondering, CM is short for Cunt Muffin.

Credit card application cookie party

Credit Card offers, we all get them. If you use credit cards you get lots of them. It's usually the same ten offers over and over again and the envelopes become easily recognizable. Even the ones that they try to trick you into opening that come in plain envelopes are easily spotted after a while. I just tear them in half and throw them out, but that's me.

My BFF (for lack of a better term) used to use credit cards - a lot. Professor Friend is one of those guys who's a little too brainy for his own good. I wouldn't say he lacks total common sense, but I will say that sometimes he over thinks things a little. I think that's what makes him more paranoid than your average bear. (Note to friend: please do not take offense to this, you know you're loved!)

Professor Friend has been 'collecting' credit card applications for years. Not because he's crazy pack rat guy (he is a little, but that's another story), or because he's a collection buff, but because he's afraid of people rooting through his trash and stealing his identity. He really does have the purest of intentions, but he hasn't thrown away a credit card application in years. Literally.
I've been after him to get rid of them for a really long time now, and he even went put and bought a paper shredder at one point. Still, the task seemed kind of daunting (that's a lot of paper to shred) and they just kept piling up.

On a recent visit to Friend's house I was up at five a.m. (not abnormal for me). I'm usually happy to watch TV while I wait for the rest of the world to wake up. Only problem was there's no cable at the Professor's bed and breakfast (he gets two channels, one of them is in Spanish) and I got bored - quickly. After a few hours of cleaning and reading it hit me, I was going to shred all of those piles of applications and maybe give my friend a little better quality of life in the process.

I grabbed a couple of piles off the floor and began to open the envelopes. A lot of crap comes with those applications. Inserts that boast 0% interest and the privacy statements made up entirely of 'fine print'. I didn't think it was necessary to shred all of that stuff, just the offers themselves with Friend's personal information on it. I was already at it for hours before anyone else woke up. Professor Friend was a little startled to awake to the sounds of paper shredding and to find his kitchen table filled with discarded envelopes and offers. Not angry, he knows I'm happy to take over most situations, just surprised. He joined in and we started a mini assembly line, he opened envelopes and I ran the shredder.

We were really moving along when Husband finally got out of bed, then he joined in and we were really having a party! For about twenty minutes. That's when we burned out the motor on the shredder. Yep, there were so many applications we killed a moderately priced paper shredder. The situation seemed dire.... so we remedied that by baking cookies!


While the cookies baked we had to solve the problem of what to do with all of those applications. A call to the borough told us recreational burning was prohibited, and that was our best option. Crap. We eventually settled on taking them to Friend's parents house on his next trip home and burning them there. So, we played records, ate cookies and separated the applications from the filler. It was fun and everyone had a sense of accomplishment.



Soon the cookies were gone and we were almost finished. That is until professor Friend layed a bombshell on us. The professor had moved to his current residence several years ago. I guess he couldn't bear to leave behind his collection even then, and had brought a garbage bag full of applications with him. Seriously. Who takes their old junk mail to another state? Only one man. I'm not going to lie, I was more than annoyed. The end was in sight, and now this huge road block. I mean why the fuck didn't he just throw these things away? Uugh!

I got a little bitchy, and a serious discussion about paranoia and procrastination followed. But, as pissed as I was I couldn't just stop there. I needed the satisfaction of getting rid of every credit card application once and for all. We decided as a team to forge on.
It was this point in the process where I started to really get annoyed with these companies and how they interrupted everyone's lives. They inundate you with the same offers again and again hoping you'll eventually bite. I started to wonder who was the most relentless in an industry of harassment professionals. While the boys opened envelopes, I sorted the offers and Chase was the worst offender, by a landslide.
When we were finished we had two bags of trash (envelopes and fillers) and one bag of actual applications to be burned.

I wanted Professor Friend to put the big bag of applications in his trunk so there would be no doubt they'd make it home with him on his next trip, but he declined that option citing soaring gas prices. So, I settled for the next best thing and had him store the bag in the duffel he uses every time he comes home for a visit. That way it won't slip his mind.

Finally Success!!!! I was filled with relief. For a while there was some tension, but we muddled through and got the job done. I had never shared that kind of satisfaction three ways before, it was hot and weird all at the same time. I'm also proud to report the shredder cooled down and is working again. It lives in the kitchen and Friend has been really good about shredding the applications as they come in. Good Job Professor!
**Images have been distorted to protect the paranoid

Tomacco!

I work with the type of people who don't mind wallowing in their own filth. This is demonstrated repeatedly by the amount of trash they dump on the ground right where we all sit to eat lunch. Yea, it's a real respectful bunch. About a month ago someone tossed the slice of tomato from their sandwich into the alley. A trash filled gutter must be the perfect place to nurture life because a few weeks later this tomato plant was growing there. I guess Jeff Goldblum was right, nature always does find a way.

They're still selling snake oil at the county fair

County fairs are a good place to go if you need to feel good about your station in life. I went for the demolition derby (never been), the ego boost was just a bonus. We ate fair food, played some games, and rode the tilt-a-whirl. There was even an attraction where you could see the world's largest rat.
If I didn't know it was a scam when I read 'world's largest', I should have known when I heard the recording that was piping into the air. "See the world's largest rat, over one hundred pounds ....it consumes gallons of water every day!" This particular fair wasn't very big and the first time we passed the giant rat attraction we decided to save the two bucks and skip it. The second time we went by we were sucked in. Mostly becuase the rat that was drawn on the booth looked exactly like this.....
Even though curiosity got the best of us, we didn't lose our heads completely. We decided that we didn't all need to pay to see the giant rat, one person would go and take a picture with their cell phone for the rest to see.

Guess who got nominated? Me. So, I payed my two bucks and joined all the 11 year old boys and stepped up to see the 'giant rat'. I wasn't in there two seconds before I came back out again. Why? Because I was swindled, that's why. It wasn't a giant rat, it was a capybara. If you don't know what that is, here's a picture. It is a rodent, but looks more like a giant guinea pig to me....
I mean, it doesn't even have a tail. I was pissed off. I hate being taken advantage of. I walked back up to the girl selling admission and lodged my complaint.

Me: That isn't a rat, it's a capybara

Her: (being a snide little snit) Also known as the South American River Rat

Me: It's false advertising, your sign doesn't have a picture of a capybara, it has a picture of a rat - with a tail. Capybara's don't even have tails. I want my money back.

Her: (making the most repulsive face ever) Well, it is the biggest capabara in the world, she's so big becuase we baby her.

Me: Oh yeah, she's living the good life in that cage with no sunlight, and not so much as some hay to lay on.

Her: Sorry, no refunds.

It was on, I was pissed and had nothing but time. I noticed some people contemplating the attraction. I went right up to them and very loudly told them it wasn't a giant rat, but a capybara, and a normal sized one at that. I chased five groups of people away from that attraction before I pranced off in victory. Ha!

Wendo-1
Carnie's-0

The Gene Parmesan Game

If you've never seen Arrested Development, shame on you. Now go rent all three seasons and come back to this blog when you're done. Finished, good. So, you know how Gene is the Bluth's private detective, and that Lucille (1) always gets fooled by Gene's lame disguises. It cracks me up how the only time she laughs on that show is when she's yelling "AAH, it's Gene Parmesan!" Well, now you can inject that kind of reaction into your friend's.


Here's how you play the Gene Parmesan game.

1. Go online and find a picture of Gene in one of his disguises.

2. Send an email to a friend (it helps if they're a fan of the show) the subject line should give some clue about Gene's disguise.

3. The body of the email should read "AAAHH! It's Gene Parmesan!" with a picture of Gene.


Then, when your friend opens the email they've been outsmarted by everyone's favorite private detective. Now they're it, and it's their turn to Gene Parmesan you. Don't volley back and forth too quickly, it should be more like a sneak attack. Send the email when you know they're having a hectic day, or before they even get into work. You want them to see the subject line thinking "What the #@?%" Not, "Oh, crap, I'm about to get Gene Pamesan-ed".



For example, my subject line for this picture might be Feel like mexican tonight? or OLE!

Now go Gene Parmesan someone already!!!!

Update: There are very few pictures of Martin Mull online suprisingly enough. I find it's still fun, even if you have to recycle a photo, as long as you use a witty new subject line to lure your prey.

Battle BIC Continues... or Lazlo give me strength

I received a response from the BIC people a few weeks back. Unfortunately, they did not refund my money, but instead sent me a coupon for another crappy BIC razor. They must be really hard up for people to use their products. It ain't gonna be me though, because sometimes you just get what you pay for - if nothing else, BIC Corp. has taught me that valuable lesson. Here's the letter and coupon they sent me.

And here is my most witty response......

I really am expecting a refund after this letter, and it's a shame because I will miss sparring with my good friend, Daniel T. DuBois, Claims Manager Extraordinaire.

I know it's sickeningly sweet, but.....

The other night I was half asleep in bed when husband got back from taking the dog out for her late night pee. He came upstairs to tell me about a little toad down by the lake that he noticed hopping around in the grass. In my sleepy state I told him he should have brought it home and that it could live in his ear. Then I went on and on about how cute it would be to have a little toad peeking out of your ear, a pet you could take anywhere. Like I said, I was half asleep. He made this little drawing of the ear toad and I thought I'd share.....

Update

Hello reader(s)! Hopefully there's more than just one of you. I know I've been slacking, and I have a ton of stuff I want to post, but I've been super busy. I wanted to give you all a mug update though. It's been 28 days total since the firing. I took this picture on Thursday (day 23). The furry mold is coming in nicely and the sides are starting to mold as well. At least I don't sit in that part of the office. I'll pretend the mold isn't being sucked into the air ducts.

Went to the New American Music Festival and I have to say American Eagle really knows how to throw a concert! Everyone got a free t-shirt (nicely designed) and water bottles. I'm sure they also know how to piss a venue off because there were stations with thousands of gallons of free drinking water too!!! It shouldn't feel like a relief to not have to shell out $5 for a bottle of water in 80 degree heat. Kudos AE!

I also heard back from the Bic people, and all I'll say right now is that unfortunately that saga continues. I almost just spelled saga sogga - heehee! My brain is already fried and it's early. -W

silly putty isn't green

My friend's nephew left his 'not' silly putty in his car. To paraphrase a nine year old, "It's not silly putty, because silly putty is pink, not green. I mean everyone knows that." I don't really dig on kids all that much, but that cracked me up.
Even though we're in our thirties, silly putty is still fun. One morning it entertained us over coffee for a good hour. Then we started to ask questions like could the silly putty seep through the holes in a salt shaker? How far could gravity pull silly putty? We decided to test it out.
We knew the chances of the putty going through the holes in a salt shaker was a lofty aspiration. A potato masher on the other hand had much larger holes - it was perfect. It wasn't even a question of whether it would go through, but how long it would take. It seemed like cheating to start out with flat 'not' silly putty, so we rolled it into a ball first.
As you can see here the holes are pretty large. We had to fashion a support for the masher, we used a jar and an old towel - you know, your standard scientific equipment. All we had to do now was wait for our friend gravity to do it's thing.


It started to flatten out right away - yippee - this was totally going to work. We got ready to go to the beach. An hour later, not much more progress. We decided to head for the beach and figured we'd come home to an oozy silly putty mess.

Nope. You can see that it oozed through the holes a little, all in all it was an unsatisfactory result. But, for the effort invested I guess it was still a fun science experiment with 'not' silly putty.

UPDATE: In response to Keith's comment, we left the silly putty on the masher for about 12 hours. I think microwaving it might be cheating, but am willing to give it another go starting with a flat patty instead of a round ball. There might be more seepage that way.

It's like Deja Vu all over again

I fear there's a strange phenomenon sweeping the nation.....

A few blogs back I mentioned someone in my husband's office was fired yet their coffee mug remained, unwashed, for weeks afterward. What I didn't mention was that on that very same day someone in my office was fired for the exact same reason. (Fear of someone actually reading this and then getting fired myself for dishing too much dirt keeps me from telling you the reason here, but know that it still serves as excellent fodder for water cooler gossip!)

The other day I had to walk past this newly fired person's old desk and I noticed the pictures and personal effects they left behind were still there. Interesting, wait a moment, is that a coffee mug I spy? Yes it is, and.... it's not empty!!!! I tried to be nonchalant as I cruised by but couldn't help uttering a little "Huhhl" noise from the back of my throat. Yes, I actually squealed with delight. Luckily no one noticed. I couldn't believe my luck, I mean what are the odds of the same, very specific, phenomenon happening in two different places at once. How many other people were fired on that fateful Tuesday midway through their morning cup of joe? This needed to be documented immediately!

I made myself a note (yes I actually stuck a post-it onto my computer) that read "MUG PICTURE" (it's still there). I wanted to take a picture of the mug but would have to wait until most people were gone for the day.

Very stealthily I made my way back to the mug, I grabbed it and snuck back to my office. I couldn't risk snapping photo's at someone else's desk, I would get fired/arrested/sued for sure. I quickly snapped the photo's and placed the mug back in it's origional spot. You can see it must have been pretty full becuase the coffee skin is stretched downward and pulling away from the side. You will also notice some mattish looking spots, those are probably the beginnings of mold.

The weirdest thing about all of this for me is that while we live in the same town and happen to be married my husbands office and mine are competely different. One small, the other large yet these strange sets of circumstances parallel each other in every way. Doo, do, do, doo... (Really, professor friend, is there a way to calculate these odds?)

Anyway, the moldy mug has been there for 17 days now. I'll follow it's progress and post updates....I also have a spy in place to alert me if someone decides to chuck it.