How I Roll....

Every once in a while something will happen that makes me fell like a rock star. This is one of them....
I know it's just a bottle of gin, but it literally has my name on it. How rad is that?  I do drink a lot, and always at the same bar, heck I finished that much of the bottle off myself Saturday night. I got drunk. I like to stick to gin, Kettle One vodka or Yuengling. Shots of Jagermeister are good, shots of Tullamore Dew are not, unless you like puking a little bit right there at the bar, not that it's ever happened to me. 

Rob Cockerham is my co-pilot

When I find a blog I like I become addicted. Once I discover I really dig the content I start to read obsessively. If I can get into the writing style I quickly switch to stalker mode and read everything they've ever posted. The first blog I ever loved reading was The Sneeze, and that's where I learned about Cockeyed. I've read everything on both sites, but particularly love The Sneeze's 'Steve Don't Eat It' and Cockeyed's 'Pranks'.  Plus, in true stalker fashion I follow both fellows on Twitter.

Imagine how stoked I was to see a tweet that Rob from Cockeyed was looking for help with a prank he was planning. I knew Rob lives in CA and replied quickly hoping my east coast location would help secure my place in prank history.  On March 7th I got the call (email actually) I was heading up to the majors, I was chosen to participate in the prank. 

I was so excited to receive my packet in the mail. I got the packet of phony applications and a personal letter from the man himself, I was ready to do some pranking!  

I started scouting out the fast food venues in my area. I wanted my applications to stay put as long as possible. I wanted them to look like they fit in. I don't really eat fast food that often but if I do Taco Bell is my restaurant of choice, I headed there first. It wouldn't work, The Bell has a tri-fold application. The Wendy's by my house had two application centers, but both had two holders each (side by side) and were in close proximity to each other, better keep looking. The Arby's I went to had them right next to the cash register. There was no one in there but us and the employees and the applications were bright red with the picture of a smiling face filling the page. Rob's type filled application would stick out like a sore thumb. I was hoping that Sonic's applications would be outside because that would be an easy drop, but no such luck. 

We finally went to another Wendy's and had success (after a minor set back). It was really fun and I learned I can think on my feet and keep my cool during a crisis.  Go here to read Rob's full story, there's a link at the bottom to my contribution to the prank. You can also read the entire application here - and you should it's hilarious, really brilliant stuff.  Kudos Rob, thanks for including me!!!

It always comes in three's

I had planned a little spring excursion with the Professor couple of weeks ago. We saw the Mates of State at the Trocadero and spent the weekend taking in the Philly sights before driving back his place in South Jersey. We went to china town and walked to Geno's for a couple with Whiz & onions - you know, the usual walking tour.  

I love to drive and was excited to hit the open road for a while just me and my iPod. Unfortunately I got a little too excited and got nabbed for speeding on the way home. When I noticed the trooper I was doing 90+mph but luckily I had a little time to slow down and she only clocked me at 83.  I was given a citation with no points attached as long as I paid the fine which I promptly did. 

Here's the ticket:

Unfortunately I didn't read the citation closely enough because I mistakenly shorted the Commonwealth 50 cents. I only realized my mistake because they were nice enough to bring it to my attention. 

My favorite part is the current balance column on the right. Who breaks this stuff down? Will the court even notice if they never receive their four cents?  I find it totally absurd that someone was paid to actually highlight Current Balance Due:     .50 - and actually did. Then that stellar employee mailed it to me at a cost of 42 cents for postage.  Shouldn't anything under two bucks be waived? Really, they'd probably save money. I'm sending another check, but only for 45 cents. I want to see how they divi up that last nickle. 

Oh, and that third thing? Totaled my car. Yep - I've been awesome lately!!

Resignation Dinner

I'm well aware this is not the economy in which one should just abandon a good paying job willy nilly. Especially when you have plans to be out of town three of the next five weekends. However, sometimes you just have to follow your gut and do what you must to preserve a sense of dignity (and sanity). Plus without that pesky job holding me back I'll have more time to spend entertaining you, my loyal readers.

Once I made the decision to quit my job the execution was fairly easy and extremely satisfying. The company I worked for excelled in testing the limits of it's employees loyalty and dedication. Being an asshole comes naturally to me so I saw quitting a job I've worked really hard at for three years as the perfect opportunity to stick it the man. If you choose your point of exit to put said company into an even tighter spot than they were already in it can really bring a smile to your face. If no one else there knows what your daily functions are or how you carry them out day to day you can consider that a bonus.

When you decide to take the plunge into unemployment and the uncertain future that comes with it alcohol is in order. At my house there are always bottles of Yuengling, one or two bottles of wine, and a bottle of Beefeaters in stock. I drink beer pretty regularly so the Yuengling wasn't going to cut it and the giggly drunk that comes with wine doesn't exactly drown your sorrows. Only the pure, heavy intoxication of gin would do. I needed to be in top form to put the final edits on the resignation letter I had started to draft the day before. (I really only wrote it because it was cathartic - can I plan ahead or what?)

Way back around Thanksgiving I went to the strip district where I bought a can of coconut soda on a whim at one of the Asian markets. The strip is a Local market where there's a specialty store for everything and the seafood, produce, and meats come in fresh daily. My favorite stop is the place that has about 400 different types of cheese and the selections are listed by their country of origin. I love that my city celebrates the nationalities that forged it. I had decided to celebrate this momentous event by cooking some delicious Thai food. I love this red curry dish with coconut rice that I make and wanted to really savor the evening. Anyway, that can of coconut soda has been sitting in my fridge ever since. I usually only drink my gin one of two ways, either with tonic and lime or in a dirty martini, but since that night was special I decided to try something new. Coconut is a prominent ingredient in Thai food and I thought it would make a pretty good mixer so I tried it out. Coconut soda and gin was pretty good on it's own, but I'm not a fan of sweet drinks. I decided to cut the sweetness with some lime juice and the result was delicious!!! I had accidentally concocted a signature drink - I call it Liberation with lime. I urge you all to try it, I think it will be a nice cocktail for those spring days when summer isn't quite coming fast enough and you want to invoke the feeling of being on a private island without fucking with a blender.

How delicious does that look? It was a really nice night. I was totally relaxed and slept better than I had in weeks.

I was pretty proud of the resignation letter I had penned and admittedly had to edit it some the morning after because I got a little too brazen. Still everything in it is a fact, I didn't leave much room for opinion. I think it's professional with just the right amount of fuck you sprinkled in. I'm including a copy here in case you're interested. I changed some names, just in case. The only thing I forgot to mention is what a glowing review my boss gave me. Really, it was embarrassing, I was half expecting her to bend over and lick my ass. Know that Bill is the company owner, Chris is his son and Kelly is my direct superior. Darlene is Chris' fiance, she's only been there about a year now and runs around like she owns the place. She's not very popular among the staff and employs an "I try to make myself inaccessible" management style (her words). Both Bill and Chris just bought new BMW's within the last two months and Darlene is sporting a three carat rock easy.

26 March 2009

Attn: HR Guy

Recently my performance, willingness to be a team player and over all dedication to (this company) has become suspect. I would like a chance to clear up a few issues that may have been overlooked.
I first started with (this company) as a receptionist. It was my beginning with a department that works alongside many others that helped foster a sense of community with other departments in the company. When I moved to Intake I still backed up reception as well as helped the consulting case managers and worked on side projects for other departments. I was on my own for several months while in Intake and still found time to write a revised training manual.
When I was offered the position of Medical Records Supervisor I still helped cover the intake phones while training my replacement. This was quite a task while I tried to get my bearings in a new department where I had only received about six hours of training. I wrote a department procedure manual since there wasn’t one left behind from prior management. I also took over transcription editing from Kelly, began to scan documents/credentials for Provider Relations, and worked on several special projects for different departments. When Oracle came along I gave up a week of my time to help enter patients into the new system. I have always been willing to back up Intake when needed and have offered my assistance to any other department that may have needed it. I cut back in personnel in Medical Records and even took work home that didn’t require a computer.
I’m guessing that Bill and Chris chose to ‘evaluate’ my work day the way they did because of the problems with this department before I arrived here (even though I’m the sole reason that management was made aware of those issues). That of course coupled with Kelly's ignorance as to what my daily functions are. I would have happily detailed my job requirements and even shown/trained someone had I been asked in a dignified manor. My only regret now is that I outlined everything so cohesively in my training manual.
By the time I received my review for the 2008 work year it was forty days past due. I was prepared to ask for the hefty raise I believe I deserved and had provided Kelly with a history of positive changes I had made within my department to support my request. I was denied additional compensation and give what I now affectionately refer to as the three percent insult. I understand economic times are tough so I tried to negotiate compensation by requesting extra vacation days. Two extra days wouldn’t have cost the company anything but would have kept me loyal and willing. I was told that vacation days were nonnegotiable. I questioned that fact citing that Darlene hadn’t even been employed with (this company) for a year, yet she had been off for six weeks since she started with the company. During my negotiations with Kelly I also conceded that perhaps Darlene’s situation was more a product of nepotism considering the fact that she’ s engaged to (this company's) Vice President.
Up until this point in my history with (this company) I had been willing to do whatever was asked of me. I was loyal to a fault, even spending Thanksgiving of 2008 separating cocs so I would have them ready to scan the next day. I never received any overtime pay for the work I took home. When Chris quit I doubled my scanning efforts. I would have happily worked overtime, but management refused to allow me that option. Eventually, with no help and no incentive, I had a moment of clarity. I decided for self preservation's sake I couldn’t do another person’s job without any additional compensation. I would no longer try to make up the sixteen hours a week Chris scanned. I was going to concentrate solely on my own job duties.
Without someone scanning charts on a regular basis I soon began to see a change in the work that was to be done. There were fewer charts to be indexed now. Also, there were fewer transcription edits due to changes implemented in the clinics. Plus, because scanning was so backed up there were fewer add-ons to look up and scan. I found I had about an hour extra a day depending on the volume of requests I received. For the record, the week I was ‘monitored’ I ate lunch at my desk three times, accounting for an hour and a half of Internet usage. I must say that I’m baffled that Bill was so outraged that one of his employees would let time pass so fruitlessly as I did. If only he had felt that way when I was in reception and he was calling for an hour to an hour and a half almost daily. I could have been spared the intimate details of his family life and it would have saved me a lot of grief from jealous peers.
I find myself caught in a vicious cycle where not being compensated for my hard work keeps me from giving my all and not trying my hardest makes me think badly of myself. I’m sorry, but there’s no way in hell I’m training my replacement. You’ve already decided my worth, my backs against the wall - I quit.

Most Sincerely
Wendo27