Fork Lift Hero

This is my little brother. He's pretty fucking awesome. He was changing my brakes today and while we were waiting for my dad to bring a tool back we had some time to kill. Unfortunately, the fork lift is out of gas, so we rode the pallet lifter around instead. Some assholes he knows decided to be dicks on Thanksgiving and spray painted all over his car and his work truck. The purple paint really stands out against the champagne finish on his Civic. There was something drawn on the roof and I couldn't tell what it was. When I asked he just said, "it's cheese" in the saddest voice ever. Oh.
Jerks. Does this really look like a kid who deserves that? I know he can be a little shit, but he's a little shit with a heart of gold.
Wheeeeee!!!!!

Fun new game more annoying than your neighbors

Greetings loyal readers, (if there are any of you left), I apologize for my absence lately. I've been working a ton, and not behind a desk so Internet time has been cut back to checking emails once a week. I'm working on it, I promise!!

It's been a summer of music for me... Saw The Paper Chase earlier this summer and more recently Frank Black and The Dead Weather. Both were amazing, but the Frank Black show was absolutely stunning. To be so close to greatness as he humbly played audience requests and talked about his kids, (they like hip-hop!) was awe inspiring. It was a very intimate setting, maybe 100 people. I was so close I could have spit on him, not that I would do something like that. Here's a pic...(and the current wallpaper on my phone)

This summer's musical journey continues when I leave for Lollopalooza in a couple of hours. I'll give a full update of that when I get back. Then I wrap up the season back in Columbus for Modest Mouse at the LC Pavilion on Aug. 23rd.

Now that we're all caught up I wanted to bring your attention to a fun new game I made up a couple of nights ago. I've played it before on random drunken nights, but have decided to make it a regular thing for a few reasons. 1) To help discourage the narcissism of the American public which seems to be out of control lately (said the girl writing her life's story for all to read) and 2) If I don't entertain myself no one else will.

The idea is to let the world know that we don't need to know all about what kind of person is behind the wheel as we drive behind them on the freeway. While this game won't get rid of those annoying 'I vacationed here' ovals or the happy family stick people that are so envogue now a days it will hopefully deter a few people from telling you how much they love dachshunds or that they ahem, 'support', ahem our troops. Here's how you play..

1. Find a car with one of those obnoxious magnets that display what a douche bag the driver is for all to see.

2. Remove said magnet from the douche bag's car alleviating them of their burden. (fig. A)

3. Place the magnet on unsuspecting victim B's car. (fig. B)

4. Laugh and ponder how long it will take douche bag and unsuspecting victim B to notice your handiwork.

Fun, right!! Plus everyone gets to play so no one gets left out. Now go find yourself a Wal-Mart parking lot and wreak some havoc.

fig. A

fig. B

Even Lisa G. Would Disapprove

An open letter to the woman in my office who takes a shit in the bathroom daily and then turns the fan off when she leaves:

Please stop. It's rude. I understand wanting to conserve electricity but I also understand the importance of clean air.

I don't want to breathe in your invisible poop particles anymore.

Thank You,

-someone who only poops at work when she's hung over

I like mine dirty

I have this friend named Yuppie. He's super fun, really nice, and kind of crazy. I ran into him at my local haunt last night where he told Sister and I he had a secret to show us. I was intrigued about what kind of secret gets shown and before you know it the three of us were in the bathroom together. We got some looks - it was fun. Here's what we were treated to.......



That's a martini. He shaved it onto his chest. I thought he had gotten bored, apparently he was just really drunk. The funniest part of the story for me was learning that his friend did it originally, and he's been keeping up on it since then. Boys. Apparently there used to be an olive shaved in there but it grew back.

Every town has one, this town has lots

The only way I can aptly describe the part of town I work in is "low class". It's probably cheap rent, but other than the people who come here to work, the people in this part of town don't work. There's lots of section 8 housing and white trash as far as the eye can see. I was walking to the store to grab a snack on my break when my sister and I had a run in with some of the local color...

Crazy Lady: You shouldn’t smoke
Me: You shouldn’t lecture
CL: I don’t want to breath in your smoke
Me: Cross the street
CL: I can walk where I want it’s a free country
Me: Exactly!
CL: Smoking kills you know, you’re going to die from smoking
Me: (she was pretty heavy) You know what else kills? Obesity and Diabetes.
CL: Some day it’s going to be against the law to smoke in public, you’ll go to jail – for smoking!
Me: Someday ain’t today lady. Do you really think you can match wits with ME?
Sister: (flipping out) Leave me alone! Quit bothering me, just shut the fuck up!
CL: Quit blowing your smoke in my face.

At this point we just started to ignore her. She had no argument (and I can really be argumentative if I want to) but there was no challenge there. Now I’m no advocate of smoking, but this was just annoying – like fighting with a five year old - you know you're right, and you also know you'll never win. I went into the store and Sister was left outside. While she put her cigarette out on the side of the trash can (so she could dispose of it properly and not litter) Crazy Lady said “Great, now you’re going to catch the garbage can on fire” – unreal!

Bathroom Reading

Which one of these things is not like the others?

Which of these things just doesn't belong?

Also in an unrelated side note there is someone in my office we hate so much that we've decided to refer to her as CM from now on. In case you're wondering, CM is short for Cunt Muffin.

The Gene Parmesan Game

If you've never seen Arrested Development, shame on you. Now go rent all three seasons and come back to this blog when you're done. Finished, good. So, you know how Gene is the Bluth's private detective, and that Lucille (1) always gets fooled by Gene's lame disguises. It cracks me up how the only time she laughs on that show is when she's yelling "AAH, it's Gene Parmesan!" Well, now you can inject that kind of reaction into your friend's.


Here's how you play the Gene Parmesan game.

1. Go online and find a picture of Gene in one of his disguises.

2. Send an email to a friend (it helps if they're a fan of the show) the subject line should give some clue about Gene's disguise.

3. The body of the email should read "AAAHH! It's Gene Parmesan!" with a picture of Gene.


Then, when your friend opens the email they've been outsmarted by everyone's favorite private detective. Now they're it, and it's their turn to Gene Parmesan you. Don't volley back and forth too quickly, it should be more like a sneak attack. Send the email when you know they're having a hectic day, or before they even get into work. You want them to see the subject line thinking "What the #@?%" Not, "Oh, crap, I'm about to get Gene Pamesan-ed".



For example, my subject line for this picture might be Feel like mexican tonight? or OLE!

Now go Gene Parmesan someone already!!!!

Update: There are very few pictures of Martin Mull online suprisingly enough. I find it's still fun, even if you have to recycle a photo, as long as you use a witty new subject line to lure your prey.